FAQ: Iran sanctions

The two-headed Iran sanctions monster.

Iran, or the Islamic Republic of Iran as it's known officially (to piss off the United States), has been a continual thorn in the side of President George W. Bush and his neocon allies. The nuclear dance among Western countries and Iran has been going on for a decade, yet Bush, along with British Prime Minister Gordon "I won't be in office too much longer" Brown, has now decided to impose sanctions on Iran.

Sanctions on a rogue nation? Didn't Bush impose sanctions on Iraq just before he authorized a well-planned, well-executed invasion of the country? Uh-oh. What does it all mean? Sort it all out before you threaten to move abroad with our FAQ: Iran sanctions.

So I wake up this morning after a weekend weeping over Tim Russert's death expecting to read about Russ, but the top news seems to be about Iran. Who gives a damn? Why do I need to care about what's going on over there?

Wow. So hostile.

A man died, okay? I'd prefer to be watching more Russert tributes—I hear he enjoyed his family. But now I gotta read about Iran. Don't we hate them? Isn't that enough? I don't think I need to know much more.

For the most part, you're right. Bush famously added Iran to his "axis of evil," and the U.S. labels Iran a rogue nation.

"Rogue." Awesome! I'm a rogue, I think. It means you're cool, right? What is a rogue?

In this use it means a nation whose leaders defy international law or norms of international behavior.

Oh. I guess that's not cool. I should change my Xbox online account name to something other than "RoguePlaya12." Okay, so the U.S. hates Iran—so what? When do we begin the bombing?

Easy, Dick Cheney. It's not about bombing.

Not about bombing? But McCain sang "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran," right?

And he has little chance of becoming president now, wouldn't you agree?

What? Who says?

That's for another FAQ, but for now, all you need to know is that currently the U.S. is not planning on bombing Iran. At least that's what the administration says.

Okay, fine. So who's this Buster Brown guy? Is he the guy who made those adorable shoes I owned as a youngster?

His name isn't Buster, it's Gordon, and he's the prime minister of Great Britain.

Before Tony Blair?

No. Tony Blair stepped down. You didn't know that?

Settle down, Mr. International Herald Tribune, I haven't checked the Web in a few days.

Well, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that Britain and Europe would freeze the overseas assets of Iran's largest commercial bank, mainly Bank Melli.

Do you think Bank Melli offers it customers free checking and maybe a gift for opening an account?

I do not.

Do assets have anything to do with asses? You know what I mean...oh yeah. Now we're talking!

No. An asset is something of value.

I'll say!

I mean, like money.

Yeah, those assets are totally money. Come on, fist pound! Punch it in.

I am not going to punch it in.

Man, you used to be fun. So what's up with the freezing assets? Why are they doing that?

Because Iran refuses to address their nuclear activities.

Whoa. "Nuclear activities"?! Are they going to bomb us? Like Hiroshima?

No, the nuclear activities to which the U.S. and Britain refer is the enrichment of uranium, which is one of the first steps in making a nuclear weapon.

That's serious. I'm confused.

What now?

What does this have to do with Tim Russert?

Nothing.

Then why am I weeping?

Maybe because you live in your parents' basement?

Oh, yeah, that's it.