McCain selecting who runs America after he falls, breaks hip

Rural whites, coon-skin hat aficionados, Klan members, West Virginians, third-shift Waffle House managers, Vietnam vets (draftees only), hunters, unregistered gun owners, weak Ron Paul supporters, still-living local extras from The Deer Hunter, and Ray, that cousin you've never met.

Refugees from Hillary-land, Erica Jong, straight women who fantasize about Jackie from Bravo's "Workout," Kansans, evolutionists who have learned to shut up when their neighbor says the Earth is 6000 years old, people with last names you can't quite remember no matter how many times you look it up (Mila Jovovivish, M. Night Shalammaymynan)

Hispanic-Americans who are aware that Richardson is Hispanic, Cuban-Americans who don't realize Richardson is a Mexican-American, Muslims who think Richardson is an Arab, traitors, people who are pleasantly plump, winner of ANTM, Hispanic-Americans with Anglo names.

Floridians, tanorexics, Donatella Versace, self-described "bachelors," Larry Craig, men who voted for David Archuleta, their beards, people who linger in rest area bathrooms, Tom Cruise, U.S. Olympic Fencing team, Paul Lynde impersonators, Robert Downey Jr once or twice in the 80's, closeted GOP gays.

Ken dolls, metrosexuals, Charlie Crist, CEO of Murray's Pomade fiscal conservatives, douchebag conservatives, Catholics, my Dad (who is otherwise wonderful), Mormons, polygamist sect leaders, their wives, single female conservatives who would love to get married but have yet to find "the right man."

Republican Indian-Americans