The Winehouse Vortex

Amy "Slag Heap" Winehouse continues to reign supreme over the tabloids, putting all other celebrities to shame. Last week she beat her drug rap stemming from the infamous crack-smoking video, kissed herpes-riddled Babyshambles frontman/fellow heroin aficionado Pete Doherty on the lips, then said all the songs he tried to write for her were shit. Slag Heap showed her soft side by shooting two YouTube videos with her newly sprung BFF in which she fellates Habitrail pieces, whores out a cat (not her own), and, in an astonishing flourish of dark poignancy, used uses baby mice as puppets while begging her jailed husband not to divorce her. On Sunday her fans picked up his slack and sent her flowers for their one-year wedding anniversary, since he was busy nodding out/hating her.

It's hard for celebrities to achieve at Winehouse's level, but the physics of Winehouse's toxicity actually helps them. Her dense, histrionic gravitational force sucks everything and anything in its path toward her epicenter, where the four food groups of celebrity speculation meet: career, drugs, appearance, and relationships.

How far did this week's celebrity newsmakers get inside The Winehouse Vortex? Roll over their vortexed heads to find out. The answers will shock, delight, and dismay you, probably all at once.