Vatican absolves Catholic crackpots

Pope's cool with it.

The Vatican's Chief Astronomer (the Vatican has a Chief Astronomer?) said Tuesday that a belief in extra-terrestrial life does not conflict with a belief in God. In an interview titled "The Extraterrestrial Is My Brother," Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes said, "How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere? Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'? It would still be part of creation."

The announcement was applauded by Catholic nutbags everywhere. Now that aliens have been declared "Officially Jesus-y," it would be helpful to rundown the Vatican's position on the various other paranormal and cryptozoological phenomena:

Champ, the Lake Champlain Monster
"After close review of the photos of this purported 'sea monster,' the Vatican thinks it could just be a bunch of floating sticks. Therefore, you will burn hell if you believe in Champ."
- Rev Benedict Bartholomew Joseph, Senior Officer, Vatican Fishing and Wildlife Commission

Ghosts
"It is the official Vatican position that the only ghosts Catholics can believe in are the ghosts of murder victims who need the help of humans to put their murderers behind bars. In short, the Vatican officially declares it's okay to believe in Ghost Cops."
- Brother John Mark Lenais, Vatican Homicide

Bigfoot
"The Bible says nothing about God creating a seven-to-ten foot tall ape-like man with no neck. But if the guys writing the bible had ever heard this recording, it totally would have."
- Brother Francisco Lumieres, Chief Forest Ranger of the Vatican

The Female Orgasm
"The legend of the female orgasm has many believers around the world, but just as many claim that they have never witnessed such phenomena. It is the Vatican's position that Catholics should not yet believe in the existence of the female orgasm, but we ask that you please keep sending in your documentation for our review."
- Fr. Leopold Hermann, Webmaster, www.VaticanSquirts.it

That Woman Who Burned Her Hand On The Stove And 200 Miles Away Her Twin Sister Felt The Same Pain
"The Vatican officially declares that that shit is totally freaky."
- Rev. Zach "Space Cowboy" Belandretti, Vatican Hacky Sack Champion, 2005-07