Unthinkable Democratic primary scenario analyzer

1. Barack wins Oregon by 8%, loses West Virginia by 5%, and Kentucky by 2.3%, but wins the heart of Heidi Montag and the undecided superdelegates of Harare, Zimbabwe. Brings in the most king crab on "Deadliest Catch."

1. Hillary wins Kentucky by 9%, loses West Virginia by 6%, but sends $10 Starbucks gift cards to 12% of Florida superdelegates and 19% of Michigan's pledged delegates. Hillary then then takes 68 Florida superdelegates to the Larry Flynt Hustler Club in New York.

2. Barack goes one step further in denouncing Rev. Wright. The campaign releases its official "Slam Book," containing collages Obama made of Wright. He calls him "ugly," "fat," and "a total whore-slut." Wins Kentucky by 8%, Oregon by 4%.

2. Hillary gets separated from her advisors and wanders into a poor neighborhood where she sees how the working class really lives. She discovers they don't want a gas tax holiday, just cheaper lotto tickets. Drops her gas-tax holiday push and instead runs on the 90-cent lotto ticket platform. Wins West Virginia, Kentucky, and several other states demand a revote to give the wins to Hill.

3. Due to a Pentagon error, thousands of white Reagan Democrats are shipped to Guantanamo, where they stay until July. Simultaneously, Obama slips several spoilers for this summer's blockbuster films into Hillary Clinton's next public speech. The remaining white Reagan Democrats are outraged. Obama wins rest of primaries.

3. After coming back from Myanmar, where Hillary saved unborn babies from the cyclone, she puts in offers to buy hundreds of thousands of homes in the U.S. Prices rise and the housing woes end. Wins rest of primaries.