FAQ: gas-tax holiday

Hillary Clinton, enjoying some R&R on her gas-tax holiday.

As the price of gas rises daily—turning the reliably a-hole Hummer owners into even bigger, more ornery douchebags—Hillary Clinton and John McCain have both proposed a "gas-tax holiday"? Holiday? Are these politicians taking a vacation while you have to dig deeper to fill up your Ford Explorer?

For the answers, look no further than our FAQ: gas-tax holiday.

I can't believe what I'm paying at the pump these days. Almost four bucks a gallon? It's killing me and these politicians, all they want to do is take a holiday from these soaring prices. How can they call themselves leaders?

You don't even own a car. What do you care?

Do we always have to start out like this? No, okay, I don't technically "own" a car. But my mom does. And I have to pay for her damn gas. Get back to it, will ya. What's this holiday all about?

Well, it's not a holiday as you or I know it...well, maybe not as I know it.

Oh, Mr. World Traveler. I know what a holiday is. It's like Arbor Day.

Right. So both Hillary Clinton and John McCain have proposed a "gas-tax holiday," which essentially—

Wait. They're on opposing sides, right? So how can they both propose it?

I guess you're going to have to wait for the FAQ: people from different parties can have the same ideas. But to make it simple, both want to help ease the price of gas during the busy summer-driving months.

Is that all?

Well, as you may recall from previous FAQs, it's an election season, and all the candidates want to "feel the pain" of the average American who's paying a lot more to fill up his or her car.

But how would taking a vacation to the Bahamas lower the price of gas?

The word "holiday" here means "a break from."

Sweet! That's one holiday we can all support, am I right? No taxes, baby. Let's party.

That's exactly what you've been doing for the past five years, and look where it got you. You filed for bankruptcy, twice. Thankfully the politicians in charge are following a more prudent fiscal course.

Oooh, "prudent fiscal course." Save it for someone who cares, Ben Bernanke. And about that bankruptcy...look, I had a boo. She needed bling. So what kind of savings are we talking here?

Well, John McCain urged Congress to suspend the 18.4 cent federal gas tax and the 24.4 cent diesel tax from Memorial Day to Labor Day.

Nice! That's a 42.8 cent decrease!

No, it's not. Those prices wouldn't be combined.

The government screws me again!

Listen, they're talking about rescinding the gas tax, so the price would be lower at the pump. One tax is for diesel, the other is for regular unleaded gas.

Who the hell wouldn't be for that?

Those who care about federal deficits maybe. The government would lose about $10 billion in revenue. And then there's Barack Obama.

I knew he'd be against it. This is all because of that whole Reverend Wright situation, right?

How about you stop asking questions for a minute? Obama released an ad in North Carolina and Indiana on Sunday that calls Clinton's proposal for a suspension of the gas tax a "bogus gimmick." Kind of like this FAQ.

"Bogus gimmick." That's serious. Maybe he's right.

Then Clinton fired back and said Obama is "siding with the oil companies."

Yeah, that jerk.

You seem like an undecided voter.

Well, who cares if the government has a shortfall. "Boo hoo, government loses money." Now it knows how I feel.

The tax holiday will just add to the federal deficit, weaken the dollar, increase the likelihood of inflation, will add to job loses—

Enough, okay, I get it. So what about Hillary? She wants the same thing?

Basically, but her plan is to take those billions of lost federal revenue and stick it to the gas companies. She proposes taxing them to make up the deficit.

Yes! Now she's talking my language. Let's get those rich bastards.

Yeah, and you know what they'll do, right?

Don't tell me.

Time to ask Mom for more gas money.