SPOILER ALERT: the 23/6 summer movie preview

IRON MAN
The comic book about genius inventor Tony Stark and his big metal costume gets a big screen movie adaptation.
Wishful spoiler alert: Iron Man dies after 30 minutes. Everyone spends the remaining 90 minutes suffering at the hands of bad guys while also feeling sad because Iron Man died. The final shot of a family of raccoons nesting on Tony Stark's dried bones inside Iron Man's rusting metal suit is a comment on man's futility against the forces of nature or something.
Probable spoiler alert: Stuff gets punched real hard.

SPEED RACER
The Wachowskis take the beloved cartoon you never really watched because Asians kind of creeped you out and turn it into a neon-lit extravaganza that looks like "Rollerball" meets "Longtime Companion."
Wishful spoiler alert: Speed Racer believes he has saved the world after besting the evil villain in a climactic race, but is later disqualified after it is revealed he was never able to successfully parallel park on his road test and therefore does not actually have a driver's license.
Probable spoiler alert: Matthew Fox comes off as an even bigger tool than he does on "Lost."

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN
Those four little assholes from Britain are up to their old tricks, making all of Narnia throw their hands in the air and say "Oh great! Those four little assholes are back. I hope they don't reunite with the Jesus lion. They're going to? Oh great! There goes Narnia! That's just perfect." This is the second installment of the Christian-themed sword and sorcery franchise.
Wishful spoiler alert: The veil is lifted on the hidden Christian fundamentalist agenda when the Jesus lion goes from house to house eating abortion doctors.
Probable spoiler alert: Good prevails over evil and no one complains that it's impossible to say "Narnia" without sounding stupid.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
I don't know about you, but if I lived in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull right about now, I'd be looking for a new apartment elsewhere! (Black families are moving in.)
Wishful spoiler alert: It's two straight hours of faces melting. Also, Marion just keeps trying to tell jokes about "Crystal Skull-f*cking," leading Indy to coin his new catchphrase, "That's just really in bad taste, Marion! Really!"
Probable spoiler alert: There is a heart-warming scene where Harrison Ford teaches Shia LeBeouf how to use a whip.

SEX AND THE CITY
The story of four women who used to be young and single but aren't anymore.
Wishful spoiler alert: The girls take a cue from the Katie Holmes monster hit "Mad Money" and decide to rob a bank. The whole thing turns into a tense heist movie and, in an homage to "Rififi," there are 45 blessed minutes with no dialogue whatsoever.
Probable spoiler alert: The ladies drink cosmos while Carrie almost doesn't get married but then she does and then Mario Cantone makes a horrible horrible noise and there are shoes.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK
The first time they tried to make a Hulk movie, it was harshly criticized by the nation's Hulk community. Hopefully, this time they get it right.
Wishful spoiler alert: The Hulk humps everything in sight. Like bears and the trunk of a Cadillac.
Probable spoiler alert: He, or it, or whatever just punches a bunch of helicopters then saves a baby or whatever.

HANCOCK
Will Smith plays a sad, alcoholic superhero who's looking to rehabilitate his image.
Wishful spoiler alert: While driving home drunk, Hancock hits a kid then drives away. Also, he never wakes up in a bed that isn't wet with his own crap.
Probable spoiler alert: Something tells us that Will Smith's version of a drunk won't exactly be Billy Bob Thornton in "Bad Santa." There will be some lovable staggering and charismatic slurring and then he'll turn over a new leaf.

THE DARK KNIGHT
Everyone needs to stop calling this "The movie that made Heath Ledger kill himself." You can't prove anything!
Wishful spoiler alert: The movie is crammed with dialogue between Batman and the Joker like "You won't be around for long, Joker!" and "What's the matter, Joker? You seem a little sad," and "Joker? Joker! Quick, get an ambulance, the Joker won't wake up!"
Probable spoiler alert: See "Batman" starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson.