Inappropriate Hottie Rundown: Grand Theft Auto IV Characters

Please, baby, c'mon. I'm begging you. Just the tip?

The New York Times is gushing, like everybody else, about Rockstar Games' just-released video game, Grand Theft Auto IV. The game, set in a New York-ish dystopia, is already expected to be the biggest-selling video game ever and has been flying off the shelves since it went on sale. Unsurprisingly, it's gotten ugly, with a British stabbing and UPS guys stealing their customers' copies.

With all the pulse-pounding frenzy surrounding the launch, it's only natural that some of the blood's flowing directly to our 'nards. Before our hands are crippled from days of nonstop playing, let's see which characters are merely worth beating to a pulp with a baseball bat, and who's worth doing all night long. Let's get to oglin'!

Inappropriate Hottie Rundown:
Grand Theft Auto IV

	Niko Bellic Grim, grimy Niko Bellic likes it rough. This Eastern European immigrant killed, smuggled, and sold people back in the old country, so put up a "struggle" during sex, 'cause he's guaranteed to choke you and slap you around! Steal a cop car and shoot a few innocent bystanders to help him out, and he'll reward you by shoving his kielbasa down your throat 'til you're unconscious. You might wake up in a freight container, but it'll be worth it! 4 out of 4 run-over hookers.
	Roman Bellic Meet Roman Bellic, Niko's cousin. This shifty, milky-eyed Tom Sizemore wannabe brags about his women, hot tubs and sports cars. Too bad he's really the owner of a floundering taxi business, with mounting debts and a price on his head. Full lips and free cab rides can't cover that stink. Pathological liars are terrible in bed anyway: Their fantasies are overly complicated, and they never deliver the goods. What's he really compensating for? The answer obviously, is in his crotch. 1 out of 4 run-over hookers.
	Brucie Kibbutz Say hello to showy alpha-male/garage-owner Brucie Kibbutz. He's a "fitness enthusiast, car nut, and self-appointed VIP," so don't be surprised when you catch him flexing his triceps in the ceiling mirror while you're schlobbing his knob. This walking issue of Maxim's got a mouthful of West Hollywood caps that'd make Jessica Simpson weep with envy. Wait a minute -- fitness enthusiast, showy, lifestyle nut, West Hollywood... Shoot down your own hope with an RPG, ladies. Eventually, he's gonna realize he's gay. 2.5 out of 4 run-over hookers.
	Little Jacob Bend over and praise Jah: You'll be feelin' irie after a vicious pounding from Little Jacob, the Jamaican arms dealer! Love the RUN-DMC specs and porny, Sean-Paul's-sleazy cousin-from-Negril goatee. Yank on this raunchy ruffneck's natty dreads and you're sure to get "sprayed with ammo!" You'll be begging for mercy when he leaps off a subwoofer onto your punany and starts punishing it like it's a batty boy in a Buju Banton song. 4 out of 4 run-over hookers.
	Elizabeta Torres Drug dealer Elizabeta Torres is one fierce ghetto bitch! This sinewy butter-pecan boricua throbs with intensity that's definitely rated "M" for mature! Who wouldn't shoot a rival in the face for a crack at this caliente piece of culo? She dips into her own stash and gets paranoid, so you'll probably have to double-bag it, but pull on her doorknockers while she rides you, and feel your adrenaline spike while she decides to slit your throat or scream with delight! ¡Ay mami! 5 (!) out of 4 run-over hookers.
	Francis McReary YEEOWW! Spread-eagle yourself face-down on the curb for corrupt cop Francis McReary. One look into that haunted Irish mug and you'll do anything for him, whether retrieving a memory stick full of sensitive data, or licking his Blarney Stones while he sorts cash piles in the back of an Albanian laundromat. Bonus: You can get high off the leftover coke in his mustache! He's got dirt on everybody, which means he already found out from your exes if you'll do anal, you filthy slut. 3 out of 4 run-over hookers.
	Mallorie Bardas Mallorie Bardas, Niko's girlfriend, is bound to leave his lyin' ass any minute, but be careful: The hair on her head looks like porcupine quills, so make sure she's had a full Brazilian wax before you give her the business. If you really wanna turn her on, try some Harry Potter role-playing! She'll let you use her apartment as a safehouse, so maybe you'll be able to convince her to have a three-way with that girl from the bodega, before she's ripped to shreds with an AK-47 at your Mafia buddy's wedding. 2 out of 4 run-over hookers.