Election 2008

We don't know what's going to happen in today's primary in Pennsylvania, but we do know one thing: Hillary Clinton is going to claim victory. Remember, she had a huge lead in New Hampshire a few weeks before its primary, barely eked out a win, and then claimed a huge victory. It might not be a meaningful victory, but she will claim it nonetheless. Most likely, she will still be making these victory speeches halfway through the first Obama administration.

So what is her "victory" speech going to sound like tonight? You can make it yourself with our Hillary Clinton Victory Speech-O-Tron.

To Pennsylvania let me say
thank you
thank ya'll
thank ya'lls
thanks, youse guys. In New Hampshire I found my voice, in Pennsylvania I found
my lunch pail
my tall boy
a social disease
out that the Amish don't vote.

I asked for your vote and your gave me your
adorable uneducated support
keys to your sub-prime-mortgaged house
blue collar germs. By letting the country know that you
are not "cool" with black people
are susceptible to right-wing emails
are convinced Obama is a Muslim
would rather have a president with a flag pin than a job, you have given me a reason to
continue avoiding Bill
explore America's racism
explore America's pant suits.

You sent my opponent a message that Americans don't like people who
pal around with terrorists
know that "shiraz" and "syrah" are the same thing
like cheeses that aren't individually wrapped
are somewhat black. And because of you, my campaign will
continue
fall further in debt
descend on Indiana like a plague.

Thank you Pennsylvania, and may
God bless America.
God bless Americans who aren't, from what I've read, Muslim.
I finally stop talking to you rednecks?

Posted by: Stephen Sherrill      I’m a fan of Stephen Sherrill