Justice Department to corporate criminals: let's make a deal!

Now say you're sorry like you mean it.

The New York Times reported today that the Justice Department has put off prosecution of more than 50 companies over the past three years, allowing them to avoid trials by entering into private agreements with the government, usually involving fines and monitoring arrangements among other penalties. This reflects a major shift in policy for the Justice Department, once known for taking down companies like Enron and Arthur Andersen. Defenders of such agreements say it protects the companies from crumbling and sending thousands of people out of work, while critics say it encourages companies to test the limits of the DOJ to see what they can get away with.

After examining recent deferred prosecution agreements between the DOJ and various corporations, we've assembled a chart detailing your typical corporate crimes and the typical punishment doled out by the DOJ:

Just as long as you know you were wrong

How the DOJ is punishing corporate malfeasance

The Crime	The Punishment
Bribery of government officials or a regulatory body	BRIBE JAR	For every bribe of a government official or regulatory body, that company must drop a quarter in the bribe jar. Once the jar is full, the company must use the money to take America out for ice cream.
Misreporting earnings and falsifying financial records	HOT SAUCING	Using the method of child discipline popularized by Lisa Whelchel (TV’s “Blair” from “The Facts of Life”), when a senior executive lies about his corporation’s losses, causing investors to lose retirement funds and local economies to founder, the corporate principal will receive a drop of hot sauce on the tongue to teach him that lying is bad because it makes your mouth sting.
Violating environmental regulations	RAPE THE EARTH, PLANT A TREE	For every violation of environmental regulations, whether it be illegal dumping of sewage in a drinking water source or unlawful disposal of asbestos near schools, the violating corporation must agree to plant one tree on its corporate campus. Should the volume of violations result in corporate campuses being overrun by uncontrollable forestation, the companies can apply to the government for tax incentives to aid in relocation.
Anti-trust violations	CARAMEL CORN CONTRITION	Corporations engaged in practices that thwart market competition must send a “Sorry we crushed your company’s right to free-market growth” tub of three flavors of caramel corn to all competing business entities that foundered as a result of the violations.
Backdating stock options	NONE, JUST PITY	There’s no sense in dwelling on the past, even if it’s actually the present but just backdated to the past. Any corporation that chooses to engage in backdating is only punishing itself by refusing to live for the moment. The DOJ only feels sorry for that kind of corporation.