CIA Chief Michael Hayden told NBC Television this past Sunday that al Qaeda is now recruiting and training operatives who "look western," so that they can enter the U.S. undetected to conduct terrorist activity within our borders. 23/6 took a stroll through the training camps around the Pakistani-Afghan border to see how the terrorists of tomorrow are "Westernizing" for the spring.

Less Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, more Clive Owen

"Five years ago, nothing said al Qaeda like a big long beard and a tall, perfectly wrapped turban," says Khalid al-Jihad, an al Qaeda trainee with a specialization in water-supply contamination. "Good luck getting into the training camps looking like that nowadays."

Al-Jihad measures over six feet tall with an asymmetrical cut of black hair flecked with bleached tips. His skinny jeans and H&M top (stolen from a Red Cross clothing donation airlift intended for Afghani refugee camps) look like they couldn't conceal even the tiniest brick of duct-taped C-4, let alone a detonator fuzzy with cables.

"It's a difficult balance between dressing functional and looking casual," al-Jihad says. "So many terrorists will look at me and say 'Look at your jeans, you're not Al Qaeda.' I just say, 'Well you're not getting across the Canadian border.' You can't kill infidels if you're cooling your heels in Ottawa, pal."


Mass Murderers can smile too, you know

Ayman bin Salid Al-Ramah is taking a break from studying an employee conduct manual from an American nuclear power plant. Al-Ramah is being trained to get hired onto a maintenance team at one of four nuclear reactors located near a major U.S. city. When asked if he knows which one, Al-Ramah offers only his shy, blushing smile in response.

It's not hard to imagine Al-Ramah will get that job. His demeanor is warm, welcoming, and he can go a full three minutes without shouting a demand at the sky that the blood of all Americans flow deep through the streets.

"Al Qaeda used to be all about wearing your murderous zealotry on your sleeve," al-Ramah says. "Nowadays, if you believe that you exist solely as an instrument of Allah's rage, going on and on about it just makes you look kind of like a terror-tourist."

Al-Ramah points to a poster on the wall over his shoulder. It shows the passport of a very angry-looking Middle Eastern man. A large DENIED stamp on the passport. The caption: "Constantly Scowling Is Not Going To Get You Past The Security Gate."

"It's such a simple idea but it took so long to take hold," says Al-Ramah. "We're the most notorious terrorist organization on the planet. What's not to smile about?"


Tivo your way to martyrdom

Mohammad Hamid is watching an episode from the fifth cycle of "America's Next Top Model." The episode looks to be a home recording on VHS tape.

"We have to rely on our operatives in the United States to send us what is called 'need-to-know' TV," says Hamid. "We must gain a grasp on those cultural touchstones of your morally depraved country that any mortal enemy of Allah would know about."

Hamid is a self-proclaimed "Anthrax guy." He's being trained to get work as a New York City subway conductor.

"Did you see they have finally voted off Sanjaya?" Hamid asks. "Allah be praised."


Michael Jackson: Moonwalking a very thin line

"Like most of the non-Western world, we are all fans of Michael Jackson," says Abu Rashid bin Hamza, an Al Qaeda trainee enrolled in the Piloting Commercial Ocean Liners program. "Initially, we thought we should keep that hidden. Unfortunately though, most of the last decade's airlifts of clothing donations from relief programs were by and large just crate after crate of discarded Michael Jackson tee shirts. We have nothing else to wear."

Al Qaeda has been instructing its recruits in how they can get away with wearing the gloved one's tee shirts without seeming out of place.

"Apparently, people in America wear tee shirts that celebrate things that they do not enjoy," Abu Rashid says. "I don't quite understand it. But I was told I can wear the shirt only if I outwardly claim to dislike Michael Jackson music. Allah be praised. I am glad I don't have to wear my Debbie Gibson shirts."


Get a hobby, Osama

Abdul Abbas is showing me his commemorative United States quarter from Montana. "There is one for each of your fifty evil states. I have 34 already!" he says.

Trainees are encouraged to develop hobbies. The reasoning is, if your neighbors and co-workers think you have no apparent interests, they assume you're planning a terrorist attack or some other evil. Abbas explains it in a way that could sum up the entire Westernization trend within al Qaeda.

"Just because we are terrorists doesn't mean we have to do nothing but make terror," he says.

When asked what sort of terror he is making, Abbas says, "You don't work in the Chrysler building do you?"

I say no.

"You'll be fine," says Abbas.

Posted by: Bob Powers      I’m a fan of Bob Powers