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The 23/6 Great American Tryst-Off
David Paterson brings a welcome ethnic diversity to the horny-governor populace.
The last two weeks have been a sweat-drenched, sore-genitaled paradise for political junkies, horny TGI Friday's patrons, and the New York Legislature's watercooler chitchat.
First, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned after getting ID'd as Client 9 of the high-priced prostitution ring Emperors Club VIP and we met "Kristen," a.k.a. Ashley Alexandra Dupré. Then, Teddy Pedersen, an ex-aide of gay American/former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, was blabbing about his threesomes with Jim and wife Dina — and she denied it while Jim backed him up. Finally, moments after New York's new governor David Paterson was sworn in, he came clean about his and his wife's affairs.
Why do we care? Why wouldn't we? When the news cycle's blessed with three simultaneous, delicious, gubernatorial hot-mess infidelities, we give the people what they want: the 23/6 Tryst-Off.
How to tell the affairs of the McGreeveys, Eliot Spitzer and David Paterson apart
| McGREEVEY | SPITZER | PATERSON | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Communication | Coy glances over nachos | Haggling with bookers | Passive-aggressive nose-sighs |
| Hotel | Wherever, as long as there's a pool for Teddy | Mayflower | Days Inn |
| How they met | Car service | Emperors Club VIP | Optometrist |
| Mode of payment | Watery margaritas | Complicated wire transfers | Joint checking account |
| Sex acts | Eiffel Tower | Missionary | Furtive groping |
| Object of interest | Foxy, clean-cut college boy | Trashy-hot Jersey girl | Whoever's down the hall |
| Regrets | That his wife was there | That she made him wear a condom | That they rekindled their marriage at the Days Inn, for cryin' out loud |
| Wife's reaction | Obscure sense of jealousy | Horror, despair | Relief |
| How it affects kids | Awesome presents form Daddy and his new boyfriend | Hatred, bong hits | Oprah, hopefully |
| Sex toys | Chicken tenders | Viagra, stacks of subpoenas | Naps |
| No. of dicks involved | 2 | 1 | Tons (NY State Assembly) |
| The Public Good | Promotes gay/straight cooperation | Launched Ashley's music career | Made postnatal-infection-related blindness sexy again |
| Morning-after weirdness | None | Lots | Only in the tabloids |
Related: Jim McGreevey's favorite poppers weren't always the jalapeno kind
Previously: How did "Kristen" finger Spitzer?
