Entertainment

We were all prepared for a sloppy show. When the writer's strike ended just over a week before the Academy Awards, it left producers scrambling to cobble together the broadcast. The nearly pornographic overuse of montage meant more airtime was devoted to Oscars past than it was to this year's awards, and though the clip reels covered what they could, there were plenty of other telltale signs that the Oscars were literally pulled out of their own self-congratulatory ass.

• John Travolta's recently-planted "Chia Scalp" wasn't given the requisite month necessary for it to read "hairy."
• Editors accidentally left in a single frame before Barbra Streisand's wistful Oscar reminiscence that read "Only use in case of dire emergency."
• A week was not enough time to book either Jean Claude Van Damme or Dolph Lundgren as presenters, and so we got Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
• For each week of the writer's strike, producers added an additional 10 seconds to the look back at Cuba Gooding's Oscar freak out for his Jerry Maguire win. Was it really worth it, writers?
• In lieu of professional backup dancers, a gutsy Kristen Chenoweth was forced to perform Enchanted's "That's How You Know" with the surviving background cast from Grumpy Old Men.
• In the mad rush to get the show on the air, no one told Best Actress winner Marion Cotillard that her speech would be part of the show, which explains her rambling thanks to life, and love, and her fellow "baguette-eating surrender bitches" back home.
• Though a team of scientists worked tirelessly, with only nine days to prepare they were unable to completely remove the debris from Nicole Kidman's tragic collision with an iced spider web.
• This line somehow made it through the final rushed script rewrite: "The versatile and handsome, Patrick Dempsey."