Election 2008

Since Super Tuesday, Barack Obama has gone 10-0 in Democratic state primaries, and the country seems to be simultaneously overcome by Obamamania, a Big Barack Attack and other made-up words we wish would go away.

With "the big game" coming up next week in Texas and Ohio, Obama needs to keep focused. We recommend he learn from this year's other erstwhile undefeated phenomenon—the New England Patriots. The Pats were a lock to win the Super Bowl, and we all know how that turned out. (If you TiVo'd it, spoiler alert, they lost.) So let's all take a deep breath, let our Obameters slow down to the legal speed limit, and see how Barack might be able to learn from everyone's favorite 18-1 second place football team.

Lesson 1: Everybody Hates a Favorite
Whether you're the New York Yankees, post-war America, or Jay Leno, one thing rings true: nobody wants winners to keep winning. Our culture is all about building up heroes and then watching their fall from grace on "The Insider," which is something the Patriots learned this year when Pats Hating became an even bigger event than the Super Bowl. So watch out, Barack, because leading Hillary by 14 points in the latest national polls isn't winning you any new fans.

Lesson 2: Don't Get Caught Cheating
Funny thing about getting caught cheating at something and then consistently winning afterwards—everyone attributes that winning to cheating, no matter how good you are. According to sports talk radio, the Patriots weren't good because Tom Brady threw a record-breaking 23 touchdown passes to Randy Moss. No, they were only good because some assistant coach was caught videotaping the Jets sidelines on the first week of the season. Obama hasn't got caught cheating yet, but he's a politician so we're assuming he must be doing something shady. Keep on doing whatever you're secretly doing, Barack, but cover your tracks.

Lesson 3: Don't Run Up the Score
Nobody was happy when the Patriots beat down the Redskins 52-7 or when they crushed the Bills twice by 38-7 and 56-10 margins. Tacking on those unnecessary points earned the Pats a reputation as heartless bullies, and Obama is veering dangerously into that territory with his recent 76% to 24% blowout win in Hawaii. Next time you're winning big, Barack, how about just running out the clock?

Lesson 4: Don't Believe the Hype
Just like every sportscaster with a cheap suit and a microphone pumped up the Patriots as a sure-thing-definitely-gonna-happen phenomenon, political pundits have over-hyped Obama to a level bordering on Martin Luther Christ. As the Pats found out, there's just no way to live up to unreasonable expectations. Our advice to you, Barack: make some popcorn and spend a few hours watching all the Clinton campaign's attack ads. It'll balance out all the ass-kissing.

Lesson 5: Be a Good Sport
As the Patriots learned, perfection can't last forever. However there are better ways to deal with a demoralizing defeat than how coach Bill Belichick stormed off the field with one second still left on the clock. Odds are, Obama will lose a primary or two even if he does capture the nomination. So, Barack, resist the urge to be a sore loser if Hillary managers to edge you out in May's Kentucky primary. And no more "you're likeable enough" comments either.