International

Nine years after the Kosovo province was nearly wiped out due to a long-standing and all-encompassing war, it officially became known as "the independent Republic of Kosovo" on Sunday, declaring its independence from Serbia.

Wait a second: There's a Clinton running for the White House and we're talking about the Balkans again? Is it 1996? Despite having 12 years to learn your stuff, you still might be confused at the terms Moldovans, Albanians, Serbians, Montenegrans, Bosnians... Who are they and how do they fit together? We're not really sure either, but by checking out the FAQ: Kosovo independence you'll wow your dinner companions at In-n-Out Burger.

Wow. February is sure a crazy month for news. I was trying to relax on Sunday but I couldn't escape this whole Kosovo thing. What's going on over there?

On Sunday the area known as Kosovo officially declared itself independent.

Independent from whom?

"Whom"? Nicely done on that. Independent from Serbia.

I like Serbian food. Why would Kosovo want to leave Serbia?

Like many ethnic groups the Kosovars wanted to have their own country with their own form of government.

"Kosovars." Is that a brand of car over there?

No. It's what people from Kosovo are called. About 92% of the Kosovars are ethnic Albanians.

What does ethnic mean in that sentence?

Muslim.

Damn! The Mooslims are at it again. So why don't they just call Kosovo "Albania"?

There already is an Albania, and most people who live there aren't Muslim.

So? Why don't the "ethnic" Albanians just move back to Albania and, like, sell Kosovo on ebay. They could get a ton of money for it, and then everyone would be happy.

You're not serious, are you?

You're right. Ebay has changed its feedback and pricing policies. Not the best time to do that. So these Serbians: Were they happy that they finally got rid of Kosovo?

Would any country be happy if one part were to break away and become independent?

Well, I'm American, but if Texas wanted to be its own country, I'd be okay with that.

If only. But to answer your question, the Serbians are totally pissed off that Kosovo declared its independence.

What does the rest of the world, and by "rest of the world" I mean the U.S., think about all this?

The United States—along with Britain, France, and Germany—are the first countries to recognize Kosovo's independence, but China and Russia have no plans to as of yet.

Typical. China and Russia are dual douchebags.

Maybe, but they're mainly worried that supporting a newly independent country will give momentum to their own respective breakaway provinces. Hello, Taiwan and Chechnya.

Oh hi. Wait...did they just show up for this FAQ?

No, it was a literary device. You know, like using the word "hello" to point out something you might expect to happen. For example, I might say, "Looks like it's time for another FAQ. Hello, pain in my ass."

What?

Nothing. Anything else?

So this is Presidents' Day?

Yes.

Isn't that a weird coincidence?

Isn't what a weird coincidence?

That here we are celebrating two great presidents today—I forget which ones—and the Kosovars are celebrating their freedom.

Yeah, I guess they can look forward to the time when they, too, will forget who founded their country.

Who founded what country?

Exactly. Happy Presidents Day!

Posted by: David Bourgeois      I’m a fan of David Bourgeois