Sports

The Roger Clemens show has gotten out of hand, with new allegations and admissions before a congressional panel that the All-Star pitcher's wife, health and fitness enthusiast Debbie, used human growth hormone in 2003--but, the Clemens camp still maintains, Roger himself dodged any illegal substances.

How to sort out this bizarre twist? Let 23/6's resident PR expert explain on behalf of his client, Debbie Clemens.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press--hey, lookin' buff, Paul! Working out? And Jenny, your calves look especially toned today. You should all be proud to be in such good, hypertrophied shape as I discuss the recent admission by my client, Debbie Clemens, that it was she who used HGH, and not her husband, Roger whatshisname, whose occupation I forget but is probably one in which no advantage would be gained by the use of HGH or steroids.

Thanks for pointing that out, Paul. How could it have slipped my mind that Roger is also a client of mine. And a Major League pitcher, too? How about that.

Anyway, Debbie asked Roger's trainer Brian McNamee to inject her with HGH, without Roger's knowledge, prior to the couple's 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue photo shoot. I remember Debbie's state of mind before the big day. She was feeling a little scrawny compared to Petra, Yamila, Ana, and the other girls. Can you really blame a gal for wanting to pack on a few pounds of bulky muscle before posing in the near-nude for Middle American soft porn?

Teammate Andy Pettitte claims Roger confided in him about his own use of HGH, but, as Roger points out, Andy "misremembers" or "misheard" him. Pettitte was, in fact, talking about Debbie's injections. Andy has misattributed more than a few statements to Roger. In truth, all these were actually said by Debbie.

• "Thanks for the salad, babe, but I'm gonna carb-load tonight with pasta and bread after a few shots of you-know-what."


• "My game plan against the Mariners is to pitch high and inside, alternating my splitter and fastball to keep them off-balance."


• "My balls really itch today. Did the clubhouse attendant switch the laundry detergent for our jockstraps?"

For anyone who knows her, that's all so Debbie. Hold on, Debbie's mouthing something to me..."I fear Roger's uncontrollable wrath..." Why would I fear Roger's uncontrollable wrath? Oh, you fear...because of the...I get it.

Hey, so let's wrap this up. An unfortunate side effect of this media circus is the tar-and-feathering of an important public reputation. I am speaking, of course, of Debbie's role as head of the online "Baseball & Butterflies Boutique." I truly hope this doesn't make any Debbie Clemens fan out there reconsider buying a tasteful, Roger-autographed "CY 7" ornament or an elegant, Roger-autographed metallic wine caddy in the shape of a robotic pitcher.

Please. Let's keep some things sacred.