International

This Valentine's Day, men everywhere struggled to come up with the perfect gift for that special someone. And if you happen to live in Saudi Arabia it's even harder to know what to give the little lady, given that women there tend to have high expectations, and also, Valentine's Day has been banned altogether.

But that doesn't mean you have to forgo your annual day of love and affection. Here are some Saudi-approved ideas for celebrating the most romantic holiday of the year in the least romantic nation on Earth.

BANNED: Alcohol.		ALTERNATIVE: Why risk a beating and death for the sake of a quick buzz? The Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice would prefer you to join your girlfriend's entire family for a cup of tea. Once you're married, pervert.
BANNED: Sinful Western music.		ALTERNATIVE: Stay home and have a three-way. Engage in a little pro-regime IM as the government listens in.
BANNED: Red roses, red gift boxes and ribbon, and other red items that might symbolize love (from now until after Valentine's Day).		ALTERNATIVE: Men, why not spoil your wives by giving them permission for surgery? After all, she's been hinting for weeks about how much she'd like to get rid of that inflamed appendix or have that lumpectomy.
BANNED: Single people are not permitted to walk alone in the park holding hands. Or to be alone in a car. Or be alone.		ALTERNATIVE: You'll treasure the look of happiness in her eyelids and perhaps eyebrows when you lend your girlfriend your car and stand in the company of her male relatives as you wave and watch her drive it.
SPECIAL ROMANTIC ALTERNATIVE FOR SAUDI KING ABDULLAH: It's good to be the king! Why not spend Valentine's Day pardoning people? Just like you said about the Qatif couple who were gang-raped and tortured, many of your subjects have "experienced enough torture which should be enough punishment for them and a lesson to learn from." All the world loves a lover!