International

Not too long ago, we enlisted "Juno" screenwriter, Academy Award nominee, critical darling, former stripper and sometimes journalist Diablo Cody to weigh in on the proposed takeover of Yahoo by Microsoft. She graciously agreed.

Now the former Brook Busey-Hunt is back to explain—in her charming, accessible way—the violence in Kenya resulting from a disputed election last month. We're sure you'll find her most recent column just as enlightening as the last one.

Diablo, if you would...

by Diablo Cody

Well, it's that time again for me to pick up my Mr. Microphone and spew opinions like the money shot of a Japanese bukkake film, moisturizing the intellect of my readership with my high-protein babble-batter. I call your attention to the current situation in Kenya. It is an international crisis that so dearly needs your attention that I feel the need to pull my collective readers into the girls' bathroom like Angela confronting Sharon in the pilot episode of MSCL ("My So-Called Life," for anyone who wasn't transfixed on August 25, 1994).

The details of this African snafu are depressing, and not the good kind of "Steven Patrick Morrissey songbook of our 20s" depressing. This is the real deal-a-meal: woman raping, baby killing, watch your family die in front of your own eyes kinda stuff. So put aside your puerile pursuits and educate yourself to the rains down in Africa (Kenya? I knew you could).

The Election: A presidential election was held in December 2007, monitored by international officials concerned that Kenya's democracy might go Pop Tarts. You know, Kenya is still an awkward, pre-pubescent, zit popping-fresh democracy with its UN chaperones flexing their "you can't slow dance to an OMD song closer than six inches" muscles every time they have a homecoming dance. President Mwai Kibaki was declared the winner, but the opposition leader calling shenanigans (Dance-off! Am I right? Come on, party people, get Djibouti on the floor!)

Violent Rallies: Post-election demonstrations and violence erupted stemming from long-standing class wars, like if James Spader took Molly Ringwald's shearing scissors, gutted Jon Cryer nose to navel and called it Ducky a L'Orange. Most of these acts of violence were against the dominant Kikuyu community, whose years of regional dominance have made them Kikuyu for Cocoa Puffs.

Ethnic Displacement: With violence escalating to civil war, the conflict has created 250,000 refugees (just barely refraining from any and all Wyclef references - Sirius Black, people, this is genocide). Many have fled to neighboring Uganda, driven by that hope etched deeply into our DNA that "Life is more than mere survival. We just might live the good life yet." (R.I.P. Mr. Belvedere)

Okay, that's enough international blabbity-blah for now. Hope this has been one to grow on. I've got a date with the Flak Squad at Mickey D's where we will no doubt debate the decline of the Happy Meal Toy. I say to thee, Grimace and bear it.