Election 2008

With Mitt Romney's departure from the race, John McCain is now the inevitable Republican nominee. That is, unless you ask Mike Huckabee. With big wins this weekend in Kansas and Louisiana, it seems that The Huck actually thinks he still has a chance of beating Big Mac even though he'd have to win three out of every four remaining delegates. And as long as the delusional candidate remains in the race, McCain must continue spending time and money campaigning, rather than preparing to take on the Democrats or getting the suggested 11 hours of sleep a night recommended for a man his age.

Just like that show where angry families hold interventions for their meth-addicted stepsons, the GOP needs to confront Huckabee, force him to open his eyes and make him realize he's only hurting himself and his supporters. It won't be easy for Republicans to present the cold, hard truth to their own flesh and blood...unless, of course, they use this handy intervention script.

Hello, Republican! Follow this simple script and in no time you'll convince the former governor and former pastor to become a former candidate as well. Good luck!

Start by gathering several Republican friends and luring Mike Huckabee to attend under false pretences. Maybe say you're starting a Christian rock band and need a bass player. When Mr. Huckabee arrives to find he's the only one in the room carrying an instrument, it's time to come clean:

"Mike, we've all come here to confront you about your problem... You have no chance at being president."

Mr. Huckabee will not be ready to hear this. He'll talk about how his Super Tuesday victories have given him "Huck-mentum." Stay strong. It's hard to see a man you care about believe his fantasies more than his friends. Respond gently:

"Mike, we all love you. That's why we're here. And that's also why we need to point out that even if you do miraculously win your next four states, that's still only 25% of the 1,000 delegates you need to win the nomination. You spend your whole life chasing that first primary victory. You'll never get that back, Mike."

Since math is technically a science, Mr. Huckabee will not agree with that logic, instead choosing to discuss more spiritual reasons why he can still win. He'll mention his evangelical base, his strong personal faith and, in a true mark of desperation, may even claim that Jesus wants him to win. You must not give in.

"Mike, we know the religious right will vote for you, but the fact is, they'll vote for any Republican candidate over a Democratic baby-killer candidate. But you need support from secular and independent voters. Those people back John McCain."

At the very mention of McCain, Mr. Huckabee will immediately tout himself as a "true conservative" who will carry both the pro-Romney and anti-McCain vote. It's time to bring out the big guns:

"Huck, you might truly hate minorities, gay people, and abortion, but you are by no means a 'true conservative.' Don't you want to abolish the federal income tax in favor of a national sales tax? That's bordering on psychotically liberal. And when you were governor, didn't you allow the children of illegal aliens equal access to public universities? Did you think we forgot that?"

Embarrassed, threatened, backed into a corner, Mr. Huckabee may lash out He'll say he's a Washington outsider. He'll bring up Chuck Norris, and how he lost all that weight. But you must hold strong, fellow Republican. He won't want to hear what you're about to say, but say it, you must:

"Can you really picture anybody ever uttering the phrase 'President Huckabee'? That just sounds weird, doesn't it?"

Once Mr. Huckabee starts crying and begging for the party's forgiveness, you'll know your job is done. Suggest he enter an inpatient rehab program to help him deal with campaign withdrawal and make sure to end the Huck-ervention with a big group hug. But don't hug too long. That's bordering on immoral