Breaking

In a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference in the conservative city of Washington, DC, conservative Mitt Romney conservatively announced he would suspend his conservative campaign for president. With John McCain's delegate lead following Super Tuesday, Romney would have had to win four out of five delegates in each of the remaining primaries (a conservative estimate) in order stand a chance at receiving the nomination.

What did we learn from Romney's impassioned (and conservative, unlike some GOP candidates we could name) withdrawal speech?

• Staying in the race would improve the chances of a Democratic victory in November, thereby "aiding a surrender to terror."
• Something about John McCain (couldn't tell what it was, speech drowned out by boos at this point).
• With Joe Lieberman's "Joe-mentum" in the distant past, we now need another term to replace "Mitt-mentum" in order to complete the trifecta of stupidity.
• Campaign staffers will be receiving two weeks pay and a year's supply of magic underwear.
• America is "the best ally peace has ever known."
• "Opportunity is in our DNA," though any attempts to enhance this via stem cell research should be discouraged.
• Conservatives agree: Conservative conservatism is the conservativiest .
• Government welfare programs should be lumped in with pornography and sexual promiscuity as a cause of America's problems. Too bad for all those WMILFs.
• According to Romney, "the pork...is irritating and shameful."
• Romney "hates to lose." So instead, he's quitting.