Thousands of voters disenfranchise selves on Super Tuesday

"Okay, show of hands. Who'd rather just stay home?"

In what is perhaps the most shocking news to come out of Super Tuesday, precincts across the country conducted their primary voting with relatively few problems. But while short-circuiting voting machines and widespread fraud were rare, other non-electoral problems plagued voters. Nasty weather slowed down democracy in the eastern part of the U.S., and the Super Bowl parade for the champion New York Giants was predicted to delay voters in New York. Why else did residents of other states neglect to punch their ballots?

Alabama: Most polling booths could not accommodate voters wider than three feet
Alaska: Voters didn't realize they were part of U.S.
American Samoa: Problems with coconut-tallying voting machines
Arizona: Republicans retirees saw face of John McCain, were reminded of own looming mortality, stayed home to watch four-hour block of "Wheel of Fortune"
Arkansas: State's dirt road closed for construction
California: Everyone at WGA negotiations poisoned by Les Moonves
Connecticut: Wellington unable to get the Bentley started
Delaware: They actually did turn out, but no one cared
Georgia, Oklahoma, and Tennessee: American Idol's on tonight, y'all!
Idaho: Fights erupted at polling stations after harmless "Idaho...You da ho!" jokes spiraled out of control
Illinois: Just assumed everyone else would vote for Gravel, anyway
Kansas: Creationists believed that the idea that their vote counts is an unproven myth--rather astutely, it turns out
Minnesota: Got royally screwed by the Mets, not eager to elect anyone else associated with New York
Missouri: Residents of otherwise irrelevant flyover state suddenly given too much power as swing state and choked under pressure
Montana: Cabin-dwelling militia members too torn between Hillary and Barack to make a decision just yet
New Jersey: Happy hour special on Ketel One shots at Vinny's Bar & Grill superseded civic duty
New Mexico: It's hard to get excited for this election without that firebrand Bill Richardson
Massachusetts: Post-Super Bowl statewide wicked depression
West Virginia: Majority of voters currently trapped in mines
Colorado: Gay man sighted at polls, chased for bashing
Utah: Straight woman sighted at polls, chased for marrying
North Dakota: Other person sighted at polls, chased for novelty of human contact