Enough Already

The tech world is abuzz with news of Microsoft's $44.6 billion takeover bid for Yahoo, in what would be Microsoft's largest acquisition ever. Such a deal could have far-reaching implications for Internet users worldwide, yet like most financial stories, the details are difficult to grasp. What we need is a charming, thoughtful writer whose direct but entertaining style can connect with an audience and really make them understand what's going on.

That's why we've asked "Juno" screenwriter, Academy Award nominee, critical darling, former stripper and award-winning financial journalist Diablo Cody to weigh in on the situation, as only this Hollywood firecracker can.

Diablo, take it away!

by Diablo Cody

When I read that Microsoft was offering $44.6 billion for Yahoo, all I could say was "Holy Rollerball!" And then I said "Oh, my stars without makeup!" Then I took a break for lunch (a Top Ramen and Skippy peanut butter sandwich, a delicacy I hear was the favorite of a stoned Annette Funicello when she portrayed Dee Dee in "How to Stuff a Wild Bikini," totally in the queue on my AnnetteFlix, natch). For Bill Gates, Microsoft's wunderkind cum Übermensch, the Yahoo deal is the latest high-wire-rimmed balancing act of global domination versus do-not-pass-go, do-not-collect-200-dollars, houses-on-Marvin-Gardens monopoly. To be perfectly honest Abe Lincoln Logs, all this talk of regulatory transgressions only stirs my loamy loins for Billy Money-Bathgates. (Side note: Don't worry, Jeff Bezos, I still think you're shrineworthy and I'd love to be more than just Paypals with you. But in a Gates/Bez-off my geek love goes to Bill. His operating system is the Windows Vista to my soul.)

As an Oscar-nominated screenwriter for the movie "Juno" (shameless plug, whoops! but I can't wait to meet Julie Christie at the nominee's lunch—I'm wearing my Dr. Zhivago-go boots), I'm keenly aware that this deal has to potential to sink the battleship of the Beau Bridges of the online industry like AOL. And Google must feel like they're the ready to be crowned queen of the anal gangbang, but somebody forgot to bring the lube and the whole thing is being shot by a Kubrick-phile from Simi Valley, so he's gonna want to do multiple takes and you still might be replaced for reshoots.

While the thought of a potential Ya-Micro-Hoo-Soft (or is it Micro-Yasofthoo?) may strike a power-chord of fear into the four-chambered cash cow heart of online advertising and e-commerce, threatening the eHarmony of our digital universe, I'm putting all my Disney Dollars on a world controlled by Microsoft Master Gates—just what's needed to Powerpoint us in the right direction. But why the hostile takeover? I say make like the Wonder Twins and unite.

That's enough tappity-tappity on the old Commodore 64 for now. Off to trim my bangs! Can you Dig-Dug it?