Religion

Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology released a new marketing video for the International Association of Scientologists. We've been doing our best to decipher Cruise's teachings on The Feed:

OK, everyone can relax. Earlier today we were confused because Tom Cruise couldn't go on vacation, and we thought maybe Xenu was going to turn all the Club Meds into nuclear spaceships and send the psychiatrists into the sun. But rest assured, it's nothing like that. It's just that how can he romp and play when all of the SPs (Suppressive Persons) are out there waiting to be PTSSP'ed. Obviously, there is no time for vacation with all the suppression to confront and shatter in the world.

Simple misunderstanding. HEHAHAHHAHH. Tom Cruise is normal. HEHEHAHAHAHAH. As you were.