By now, you've no doubt heard the news: Jamie Lynn Spears, younger sister of the former Mrs. Britney Federline, is pregnant. Wow, can you imagine how it must feel for their mother, Lynne? So many grandchildren. We really envy her.

Of course, the media has reacted with the usual shock and snark, which is why we've enlisted our trusty flack, the World's Worst PR Guy, to address any lingering concerns about this most recent muffin in the oven.

Hey, y'all! Have you heard the wonderful news? Jamie Lynn Spears is preggers! Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, "How can a pregnant 16-year-old from rural Louisiana be good news?"

First, let me assure JL's young fans that just because the beloved star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101" is three months with child does not necessarily mean she has engaged in premarital sex with Casey Aldridge, her boyfriend/baby's daddy. Pregnancy can often result from a variety of non-intercourse activities, such as "heavy petting," "dry humping," or—and I know for a fact they've done this—anal. So remember kids, be safe and, you know, stay in school or something.

And believe me, the Jamester didn't rush into making this announcement. When Jamie Lynn found out she was pregnant, I had an intimate sit-down with her, her mother, her agent, her manager, her image consultant, her hairstylist, her mani-pedi woman, a Korean translator for the mani-pedi woman, and six other handlers. We all agreed (except for Chan-sook) that it would be best to carry the child to term for the sake of Jamie Lynn's career. And, you know, for the fetus's career. And it being alive. Imagine all the Christian heartland fans she'd alienate if TMZ ever caught wind of a back alley Beverly Hills abortion!

Jamie Lynn has the support of her entire extended family in this matter—that's upwards of 235 towheaded people in her hometown of Kentwood (pop. 2,205) alone! And she'll get plenty of free babysitting from Aunt Britney, who has promised us that she will not displace the custodial loss of her own kids into an obsessive surrogate attachment to Jamie Lynn's unborn child. Her exact words. Well...close, anyway. I think her exact words were, "I'll be fine, y'all. Damn!"

Oh, and don't worry. This blessed event will not make Jamie Lynn prematurely flabby and gross like her sister. We've already put her on a pregnancy workout regimen of Pilates, yoga and a half-pack-a-day cigarette-reduction.

I've got to take Jamie Lynn on a run for some baby supplies—diapers, a new crib, a few cases of Red Bull—but I also want everyone to know that I've preemptively signed little Skyler (if it's a boy) or Skyler (if a girl) to a three-record deal. Look for the debut album to drop as soon as the placenta does.