America's Law & Order candidate Fred Thompson appeared on FOX News yesterday to deliver a scathing complaint: stop picking on him. It appears the gentleman from Tennessee feels that the 24-hour cable news channel has been unfair to him in his run for president.

Here are a few easy ways to tell whether or not you have been the victim of a FOX News attack:

• You get searched when trying to enter the No Spin Zone
• People keep asking you if you have AIDS from your heroin addiction
• Presents arrive to your home for the "illegitimate half-black baby" you don't actually have
• Karl Rove won't return your e-mails
• George Bush says you're doing a heckuva job
• Your family surprises you with a trip to a gay-to-straight re-education camp
• You're suddenly less popular with your base than the war in Iraq
• Karl Rove won't return your text messages
• People at Red Lobster shun you
• Karl Rove won't return your phone calls