Hillary Clinton will be your next president, and you can't stop her.

In this world, there are two ways for women to achieve success. Sleep with someone powerful (cf. Chelsea Handler), or work your ass off (cf. Tina Fey). The incredibly thorough Hillary Clinton did both.

Our resident lady, Laurie Kilmartin examines the Hillary mystique in a 23/6 Ladytorial.

Are you a "Friend of Hillary"? Then you probably haven't heard from her in six months. Are you Rupert Murdoch or Richard Scaife? Then you probably got a text from her this morning. Like a true mafioso, Hillary Clinton keeps her enemies close, and her friends stored in her assistant's blackberry.

Hillary is not afraid to use the gender card. Most women are. We're earnest. We want to the "taken seriously." We want our success to be "merit-based." That's why Congress and the Forbes 500 are dominated by men. Hillary realizes that women need to use every weapon in their arsenal. Guys fight dirty—that's what they understand. When a woman doesn't play the gender card, men worry about the weak, weepy stuff she is made of. If Rudy Giuliani were female, he'd be campaigning on improving the crappy service at Starbucks instead of 9/11.

If Hillary can't win you over on policy (and who can figure out what her policies are, anyway?), no problem. She'll turn on her powerful, personal charm. Remember, this is a woman who convinced the world's greatest sex addict to propose to her. When the Clintons married in 1975, Bill was 29. He turned his back on approximately ten more years of (openly) banging co-eds, because that Rodham woman was so captivating. If he couldn't resist her, you certainly can't.

And neither can actual conservatives. Last week, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the sole Republican co-host of "The View," reported that Hillary sent her a congratulatory note on the birth of her son. Elizabeth described the note as "truly a most thoughtful and warm act. I may actually change my vote."

Good luck, Barack.

Hillary Clinton is tougher than anyone. Does the name Lee Hart ring a bell? No? That's the way Hillary wants it. Lee Hart was married to 1988 Democratic presidential frontrunner Gary Hart, who was caught having an affair in the midst of the campaign. After he dropped out, Lee vanished from public life. Google "Lee Hart." She was nearly the First Lady of the United States, yet she doesn't appear in the first page of Lee Hart search results. And that makes sense, because who wants to spend the rest of their life shrugging off snide comments from snarky, Republican assholes?

Hillary Clinton, that's who.

French president Nicolas Sarkozy couldn't even handle one personal question from Lesley Stahl without storming out of a 60 Minutes interview. But Hillary practically dares people to bring up the Lewinsky scandal when she does things like announce her plans to use her husband as America's roving ambassador. Her words: "He has said he would do anything I asked him to do."

And so will the American people. In this lady's view, Hillary Clinton is not screwing around. For better or worse, the senator from New York is this country's wife for the next eight years. Happy Thanksgiving.