The FBI is warning that al-Qaeda may be preparing a series of December attacks on U.S. shopping malls in Los Angeles and Chicago, according to an intelligence report distributed to nationwide law enforcement authorities Thursday.

The alert, which is strikingly similar to other holiday alerts over the past five years, says al-Qaeda seeks to "disrupt the U.S. economy and has been planning the attack for the past two years."

But fear not, shoppers. 23/6 has obtained al-Qaeda's notes for the planned attacks, showing you what areas to avoid at the Beverly Center in Los Angeles and the Chicago Ridge Mall.

BEVERLY CENTER

1. Bloomingdale's - Zionist department store with admittedly awesome wedding registry (nukes?)
2. Wet Seal - Whorish clothing made by our children (pick up p.j. bottoms, then torch)
3. Nine West - Trendy but practical office shoes for vile infidels (knock over shelves, demand 50% discount)
4. Restoration Hardware - Home Depot meets Banana Republic (bomb first)
5. Apple Store - Despite worthless dogs at Genius Bar, pretty fun place to shop (shoot up ceiling a bit)
6. Godiva - Promotes fornication with debauched, sinful chocolate strawberries (bomb if possible, if not, no biggie)
7. Foot Locker - Infidels disguised as referees pretend to care about selling sneakers (leave alone, too freaky)
8. Calvin Klein - Long-lasting poly-blend underwear for homosexuals (behead staff)
9. Aveda - Western materialist sluttish vanity disguised as ecology (get "Black Malva" shampoo for Osama, then truck-bomb)

CHICAGO RIDGE MALL

1. Sears - One-stop shopping for unfortunately vile flat-screen TVs (landmine if there's time, otherwise, fart in automotive aisle)
2. Bed Bath & Beyond - Fiendish abomination with villainous prices (formidable opponent: more research necessary)
3. Michael's - Allah be praised, a craft store that sells mini pom-poms (invite proprietor to Tora Bora)
4. Kohl's - Like infidel-magnet Sears, but more depressing (suicide-bomb)
5. Carson Pirie-Scott - Sluttish, debased local department store, not as good as Marshall Field's (couple of IEDs should be fine)
6. Loews Cineplex - Loathsome Zionists the Coen Brothers' new movie showing (order tix for 9:20 show)