Health

The Boy Scouts announced that more than 1.5 million Cub Scout totem badges, currently in circulation, contain potentially hazardous levels of lead paint. Cub Scouts nationwide are being asked to turn in the affected badges, which were manufactured in China. Said a spokesman:

No illness related to the product has been reported to us. We're just trying to be prepared and keep everyone safe.

With popular children's brands Elmo and Baby Einstein being recalled for the same reason, how can America's parents protect their kids against what appears to be an inevitable case of lead poisoning?

23/6's resident medical expert, Dr. Margaret Sheif, answers your questions.

Hello parents and adoptive "parents,"

Today we'll be talking about scouting and its effects on health. As if sending your children out into the woods to spend the night with so-called "scoutmasters" wasn't bad enough parenting, now you've probably let your kids get deathly ill from lead poisoning. (And I don't even want to think about what they might have picked up from that troop leader!)

If your precious little Eagle Scout came home last week with a tummy ache and severe kidney damage, he may have a touch of lead poisoning. If that's the case, you need to be informed.

What is lead poisoning?
Today, most cases of lead poisoning occur when a child absorbs unacceptable levels of lead, usually found in paint. Sources of lead paint include brightly colored toys, the window sills of older homes and the #2 pencil you used to complete your G.E.D.

How to spot it?
If your child seems noticeably stupid (i.e., stupider than you or its father), it may have lead poisoning.

What can I do if my child has lead poisoning?
Give him to a relative. You can always have another one, and this time, you can do it right. If this option is unavailable, take comfort in the fact your dim-witted progeny will probably suffer from a low sperm count (or endless miscarriages). The buck stops here.

How can I prevent lead poisoning?

• Move into a house that was built sometime after the Roanoke colony died.
• Do not buy or shoplift toys that are manufactured in China. Along these lines, lose 150 pounds- so you can shop at a store other than Wal-Mart.
• Black children suffer from lead poisoning at three times the rate of white children, and twice the rate of Hispanics. Do not be black.

As a side note, it sure has taken me a while to go through all the mail I received after my last column on protecting your uninsured child. Perhaps if you spent less time scribbling deranged, angry letters and more time actually caring for your children, I wouldn't have to dispense so much invaluable advice. Happy autumn!

Yours in health,
Dr. Sheif