Fred Thompson's first weeks on the trail haven't exactly been as exciting as some in the GOP had hoped. In fact, according to the New York Times, he's practically putting audiences to sleep. From their account of his speech in Iowa yesterday:

Then he stood face to face with a silent audience. 'Can I have a round of applause?' Mr. Thompson said, drawing a rustle of clapping and some laughter. 'Well, I had to drag that out of you,' he said.

Keep in mind, this is Iowa. Thompson has somehow made Iowa more boring.

And considering his remarks, it's no wonder. There are certain things the Republican primary audience wants to hear. Rudy Giuliani understands, which is why he's the front-runner. In an effort to help Thompson be more competitive with Republican voters, we've punched up his stump speech.

"Our country is at a crossroads on the brink of a precipice of a disaster! And we've become the most blessed fearsome country in the history of the world universe, through the work and sacrifice of a lot of people ass-kicking power of men and women in uniform, basically adhering to certain principles. ignoring the ivory-towered elites warning about so-called "human rights."

We have a chance to pursue those bomb another country, or we have a chance to take another direction which a lot of historians treasonous homosexuals say is the direction that every major power ultimately takes; the fall of the Roman Empire and all the other great ones or whatever country that was in that movie "300," which was awesome.

And maybe we're just in a declining phase now, and we're going to continue on that inevitable path that will lead us to a different place than the kind of country we grew up in having to convert to Islam and wear things on our heads and get beheaded if we celebrate Christmas. I reject that notion with every fiber of my being I will rip the heart out of the Democratic nominee with my bare hands.

There's a political force out there right now -- the people we will be going up against next November -- have a vision of a bigger government, more regulation, more spending of money that we don't have and policies that will make us less secure and less prosperous than we've been in times past Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are agents of Osama Bin Laden.

Now that's something we have to do something about ignore the law about because we live in a post-9/11 world. We have to do it by adhering to the principles that got us to where we are today in so many good respects detaining them as enemy combatants. And we have to do it by nominating a common-sense conservative stern father figure who can get elected in November protect you from the Democratic/al Qaeda Party.