I hear a lot of people these days talking about the best way to withdraw our troops from Iraq. Well, it's perfectly simple. If everyone just follows my calendar for withdrawal, then we can end this thing in a quiet and orderly manner. Here goes:

July 19, 2008:...

• Replace current U.S. Treasury spokesperson with granite-voiced actor Dennis Haysbert.
• Make it illegal for any American not to purchase the widescreen edition DVD of I Am Legend.
• Poison national water supply and sell antidote for $4.99 at Rite Aid.
• Invest $20 of every American's income in Homeopaws, the new...

• Persuade Lord Jesus Christ to swoop down from the heavens on his chariot and shower free Milk Duds and iPods on the people of Ohio, Texas, Pennsylvania, and Guam.
• Appear in three-episode arc of Lost as Sawyer's long-lost bounty-hunter half-brother, Wayne.
• Show up to next campaign rally with a soul...

+ $5 billion: Snacks

+ $1,442.12: Purell dispensers on Air Force One

+ $340 billion: Junior Year Abroad programs

+ $12,000: Roads

+ $128 billion: Tribute paid to China

+ $6 billion: Aircraft carrier impulse-buy

+ $87 million: Rumored Jack Black-Kate Hudson vehicle

+ $600 billion: Failed secret...

AD #1:

John McCain is sitting in a rocking chair next to a crackling fire.

JOHN MCCAIN: You know, some people say, "That John McCain, he's got a real short temper." Well, maybe you would have a short temper, too, if you were a 71-year-old veteran with recurrent skin...

Page 235:

"...And that's how I got pink eye from Dick Thornburgh."

Page 413:

"Funny, I can't seem to remember who won the 2004 presidential election. Do any of y'all remember? Oh, that's right: WE FUCKING DID."

Page 331:

"Condi's arm slid over the vast...

1. Still confused by concept of primary
2. Same day as Civil War reenactment
3. Thought it was only on Facebook
4. Thought that poll was the primary
5. Just too many incredible Republican candidates to choose from
6. Image of Jesus in bowl of Apple Jacks told you not to
7. Lost too much money...

• "Mayor Giuliani, which of your policies do you think appeals more to Florida Republicans: dressing in drag, or killing unborn babies?"

• "Welcome back to the debate. I'm Anderson Cooper. As I ask this next question about gays in the military, just try to pretend for a moment that...

Hillary Clinton:

• Clinton For President: Calm Down, It's Not Who You Think
• Hillary Clinton: Secretly Gay, But Isn't Everyone?
• Clinton In '08: Don't Stop Thinking About 8 Years Ago
• Hillary Clinton: Fighting For What 51% Of Polled Americans Believe In
• Vote For Hillary: Couldn't Fuck An Intern If She Tried

• "The next question is for Governor Richardson. Governor Richardson, where do you stand on the issue of....uh....I'm sorry, your double chin is really distracting."

• "Congressman Kucinich, let's just pretend for a moment that we lived in some sort of topsy-turvy storybook town where you could be elected president..."