I.
May 14th, 2007
John Edwards to Rielle Hunter 4:54pm: Hi, this is John Edwards. Do u want 2 make a documentary about me?
Hunter to Edwards 5:02pm: I...don't know how?
Edwards to Hunter 5:06pm: Hmm. Maybe we could just have sex then? U know how...

Barack Obama rolled out his new ad yesterday targeting the working class in 18 states--many of which went to Bush in 2004...

SCRIPT - "Dignity"
Obama: I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.
Announcer: He worked his way through college and Harvard Law. Turned down...

• All those Indian burial grounds
• Children's Hospitals
• Joan Rivers' bones
• Big Momma's House
• Big Momma's House 2
• Norbit
• "All those Mormon Churches"
• Mt. Zion
• Wherever they shot There Will Be Blood
• Any part of Arkansas, fuck it
• The eyes of Presidents on Mount Rushmore, except Jefferson
• Underneath podium during...

Senator Barack Obama: [on his upcoming weekend off at home in Chicago] "These kids are planning to make pizza, so who knows what our kitchen will look like," he said. "They shouldn't call these sleepovers. They should call them wake-overs."

Hype Man: OH SHIT OBAMA! I just choked on my...

I.
Obama to Hillary 6:35pm: Welcome to the Jungle. Of pain. Just give it up already.
Hilary to Obama 6:51pm: I've got Indiana.
Obama to Hillary 7:01pm: HAHA INDIANA YOU SKANK
Hillary to Obama 7:05pm: If I drop out, can I be your VP?

1. Legendary Musician Tito Puente
Walters made him stretch goat skin around her and play her like the conga drum she is. She can be heard on his first and third albums.
2. NBA Superstar Wilt Chamberlain
Real original, Walters.
3. NBA Non-Super Star, Manute Bol
Torrid affair during her "Freakishly...

7:03pm: Clinton walks into a popular West-Philadelphia beauty parlor. Ladies in their seats turn around as Hillary yells "Yo, give me that hip-hop hair!" Everyone stares blankly as Remy Ma's Conceited plays in the background. "This is my shit!" Hillary cries, "Turn me up in the headphones!" A stylist informs...

Buffets: "I don't get this"

NASCAR: "I don't get this"

Competitive Eating: "I don't get this"

Bow Hunting: "I don't get this"

Jordin Sparks concert: "I don't get this"

Gatorade G2 Low-Calorie-Nightlife-Drink: "I don't get this" [starts peeing out of drinking too much G2/ confusion]

The Hills: "I don't get...