I hope you're damn proud of yourselves, gay people in California! I hope you're proud of destabilizing the balance of California marriage! Did you, for one second, think of all those people who would have married people of the same gender for years but didn't because they didn't...

• Hey! Remember when we hated black people? Most of us don't anymore!
• The war: Let's agree to disagree!
• Make government smaller by making the country bigger!
• Tax cuts! Because you didn't really need that public school!
• We're not just white guys in suits! We've got Condie!
• Republicans: Your Uncle Dave...

As some of you may already be aware, I'm Jewish, and therefore I have within me the natural ability to practice law. It is because of that that at the end of last year, I was approached to act as legal concierge for Florida and Michigan, as they attempted to...

Travelers! Wealthy Industrialists! Seekers of fortune! Don't delay. Don't wait one day. Come and build Iraq's tomorrow, today! Come to the beautiful Green Zone, and with a tiny bit of imagination, you can turn it into a new luxury capital of the world.

The Green Zone is...

Americans are just freaking out over high gas prices, and this freak-out has led to something quintessentially un-American. One in five cars sold have been compacts. Oh, you don't see what the problem is? Well, let's take a look at the car.

This car gets 35...

All I'm saying is, it's a damn good thing Barack Obama wasn't ever at any of Reverend Wright's sermons when he said something incendiary. And considering how often Reverend Wright seemed to say things that other people felt was HUAC worthy, I guess Barack went to church as more of...

I'm hungry, and matzah will no longer cut it.

Maybe you're a goy. Maybe you think of matzah and say to yourself, "Stale crackers! Mmmm! Those Jews sure make a tasty piece of unleavened bread!" In that case, you have never eaten matzah for an entire week. More, in fact....

I'm not in New York City right now. I'm at my parents' house. Upstate. Where it's cold. Because it's Passover, assholes, that's why. Don't you fucking judge me. And look, unlike most of your reprobates, I've got a good relationship with my parents, so that's not why I'm writing this,...

Iran's latest threat to Israel, "If Israel wants to take any action against the Islamic Republic, we will eliminate Israel from the scene of the universe," may be slightly more in the Marvel Comics vein than international politics normally gets, but don't worry, they rejected many worse phrases...