New Rule: You don't get a victory lap if you're the shittiest president in history.

New Rule: Stimulating the economy is like stimulating your body--there are good ways and bad ways to do it. And John McCain's "gas tax holiday" is basically economic crystal meth.

There's a seemingly dry headline this week that is a lot scarier than it looks: Bank of...

New Rule: On Earth Day this Tuesday, responsible vehicle owners must show their support for the planet by giving every Hummer driver they see the finger.

Conservatives, and especially the neo-cons, got this sentimental idea into their heads that all Iraq needed was a taste of American-style freedom and all would be well. They thought, "Sunnis, Shiites--forget all that. Once these people get a load of us and what we're offering, they'll come drifting out of...

New Rule: In honor of China's environmental record, the Olympic flame should spew toxic gas.

Look, no one is doubting Petraeus' skill as a general. Seems to be the best guy we've got. He's the man. He's Zeus. We all agree. And maybe things would be much better now if he'd been in charge from the start.

But if we need to suspend troop...

New Rule: Someone has to tell Madonna that there's a three decade limit for dressing like a whore.

In the Field

A couple years ago, investing in biofuels was the shit. Incentivizing biofuel production was thought to be good for business and good for the environment, a win-win. It's that rare cause that could bring together Al Gore, President Bush, and Willie Nelson.

Oops. It turns out now that we've...

New Rule: Until pot is legalized, you can't sell it in vending machines.




Caucus Me: The Mall

When Barack Obama didn't hear Reverend Wright say those awful things about America, he still should have rushed the stage, smite Reverend Wright with the cross, and left the church. If there's anything the right wing can agree on, it's that. And that gays are going hell, right after they...