I wish I could remember the street I took, where I turned, or how I knew I'd found the right place. All I remember is that Gabriel appeared, stopping traffic and summoning a chorus of car horns that rang out in harmony with his golden trumpet. Then the sky cracked in two, the world fell away, and I found myself floating in a rich blue void hung with puffy white clouds.

I was expecting a burning bush, or at least a bright light, but He appeared as an older man dressed comfortably in a robe of the finest wool and lined in white satin. His only other adornments were ropy, open-toed sandals and his long white locks, which waved gently in the breeze. Sort of a late-career Gregory Peck, with a very convincing wig.

It's impossible to describe His voice. Sometimes it was the deafening roar of an arc furnace, other times it was thunder echoing from a canyon wall. He spoke interchangeably in tongues, in Latin and Greek, backwards, and directly to my inner consciousness. Once, for a brief moment, he channeled Carol Channing's rendition of "Hello Dolly." It was the only time in the interview I was truly afraid.

As soon as we sat down my audio recorder stopped working, and my pen mysteriously ran dry, but it didn't matter. Our conversation burned itself into my brain. I've transcribed it here from memory.

After getting the preliminaries out of the way -- why He had to take Heath Ledger from us (here God expressed regret and alluded to a larger plan he promised I couldn't possibly understand) and what might be going on with Britney Spears (God suspects an ordinary case of possession, but confided He is "as mystified as anyone") -- the talk turned inevitably to politics, and the coming Presidential election.

23/6: It seems that with McCain's emergence as the Republican front-runner, the political dominance of right-wing Christian conservatives may be ending. Your thoughts?

God: Thank Me! And not an eon too soon. I'll tell you, Heathen, I've never tried harder to end something I so much despised. Repairing the exile of the Chosen from the Holy Land was child's play in comparison.

23/6: So you're against the radical religious right?

God: Judge not lest ye be judged, but I'll say this: Those people scare me. So self-righteous. I would recommend to thee Sarah Vowell's recent editorial in the Times.

23/6: I'll check that out. How did they gain so much power? You couldn't just exile a few key players to the Underworld before things got so hand out of hand?

God: It's not that simple. I thought I'd try to arrange the nomination of an invincible Democrat. Obviously, that didn't work. The Unholy One intervened in Florida, and I couldn't believe what he did to Kerry, that whole Swift Boat thing.

23/6: I thought Karl Rove was behind that.

God: You people are charming. I've always liked you.

23/6: So what's changed?

God: This time I'm arranging the nomination of a moderate Republican. Cutting them off at the pass, is how you people say it, I think. Something I should have done years ago.

23/6: I'm surprised you hadn't thought of it before.

God: I had thought of it before.

23/6: I thought you said . . .

God: YOUR LORD GOD COMMANDS YOU TO ASK THE NEXT QUESTION!!!

(stunned silence)

God: I don't have all day.

23/6: Let's switch gears. Who do you like in the Superbowl?

God: The Lord God works in mysterious ways, and creates perfection where his subjects will be least likely to see its beauty.

23/6: So you like the Patriots.

God: If Tom Brady's ankle holds up, they shall be like Joshua's army on the seventh day.

23/6: Can I put something down on that?

God: I think we're done here.

23/6: Thank you, your Eminence, for your time.

God: Don't mention it.