Yesterday I was seized by a powerful and, perhaps, unhealthy rage. It arrived as rage always does, which is to say, "stealthily." By which I mean, "with great stealth." You don't believe me, look it up.

You know how rage is. It sneaks into your subconscious and settles into the beanbag chair of your memory, between the B you got in ninth grade history and the time Stephanie Mersky asked if you could please stop calling her. Then it asks why you haven't put anything out, like olives. "I mean, didn't you know I was coming over?" it asks. It's not even a question, really, more of a lazy demand, tossed off with the easy air of privilege, as if by an intemperate queen. And you can tell from the snide tone of your rage that it's thinking, "you buy the olives at the salad bar and you JUST REMOVE THE LID, but no, apparently that's too much for you" -- and BAM, next thing you're yelling at your secretary for storing the printing paper under the supply desk in the mail room. Who stores the printing paper under the supply desk in the mail room?

We've all been there.

Anyway, my rage was like that. Arriving in a moment of becalmed quiescence but simmering quickly into a boil that spilled over and caused the natural gas on the burner to pop and turn orange, making me wonder if I was about to be killed by boiling pasta.

And my rage, dear reader, my rage had a name. And its name was "Charles Schumer's Vote to Confirm Michael Mukasey."

Let me say very quickly that I am not a one-trick pony. Not every column of mine from "the Room" -- this windowless space with five metal desks and no art on the walls from which we are all typing our blog entries on pawned Smith Coronas -- not every post of mine will be an angry rant of betrayal against New York Senator Charles Schumer. Only the first five or six will. Then I'll move on to other subjects, such as how I could have been such a moron as to put my trust in Charles Schumer in the first place, how I could have believed he was fit to lead the Democratic opposition to the Bush Administration, and what I think of his chin and his taste in clothes. By then I expect to have parlayed this gig into a spot on Swampland. That's my plan.

But I also intend to flog this horse until it dies. Because I know that if we don't kill it, it will come moping back to us (the horse, that is, stay with me), in the form of Judge Mukasey's first unconscionable act as a Bush cabinet member. And on that dark day we'll ask ourselves, "How could we have let this happen?" and we'll gaze at each other with looks of sorrowful pity and despair, the pooled blood forming dark circles under our tearful eyes, as if we were all characters in a Russian novel.

That's how it will be. And I want you to know, Senator Schumer, that on that bleak day, when that horse comes back not sufficiently flogged, and everything else I said in the last paragraph comes true, like a series of images stolen from the Book of Revelations, I'm going to be looking at you.

And here is what I will say: "Earth to Schumer! You're in the majority!"

Dude. You control the Senate. When you say Judge Mukasay is the best "we" could hope for, who is WE? "We" is us, the majority. Bush's tactic of appointing "caretaker" cabinet members that he never submits to the Senate for approval is UNCONSTITUTIONAL. When the President violates the Constitution, you don't shrug it off and say, "Oh, well." You fight with all you've got.

Another thing: YOU'RE A POLITICIAN. Your job is to GAIN MORE POLITICAL POWER. How you do this is, you stand up for principles. By making yourself into a man of principle, you make people respect and revere you, which causes them to give you more power. That's how this whole thing works. And one of those principles, a kind of no-brainer in the world of American politics, is that TORTURE IS WRONG.

Here's another clue. Although it's all well and good for you to worry about the smooth day-to-day functioning of the government, that is not your primary concern. Ironic, I know, but this is a tricky business. But see, there's a whole other wing of the government -- called the bureaucracy -- and its actually their job to worry about the day-to-day. Your job is to GET MORE POWER, that you can then give over to them. You do this by standing up for things. That's how this works.

Here's my last word on the subject. Remember that time the Republicans shut down the government? That was orchestrated by Newt Gingrich, also known as History's Greatest Windbag. It was Newt's misguided effort to reign in federal spending. His thinking was that Clinton would back down, and the Democrats would look weak, and the permanent Republican majority would be safely installed.

In that moment, did Bill Clinton say, "Well, I guess the budget the Republicans have proposed is the best we can do"? Sigh. No. He made sure the Republicans would take the blame, and then he let the government get shut down. And the result was the erosion of the Republican majority in the House.

OK, I'll be honest, Chuck. I can't hide it anymore. I want you back. I miss you. I miss that January 8, 2006, appearance on Meet the Press. You know the one I mean. I want it to be like the old days, when Tom Delay was under indictment and Jack Abramoff was in the news every day.

You have my number.

Just call me, OK?