Now that Fidel Castro has resigned from office and ceded his spot in the "CIA's 10 Most Embarrassing Assassination Attempts" to MLK, the time has come for the candidates to acknowledge their communist constituency (you heard me Obama) and comment on Fidel's move. Here are statements by several front-runners on the resignation:

Hillary: As you know, Fidel Castro is stepping down after nearly 50 years of one-man rule. And what do the Cuban people get after his oppressive and destructive reign? Another Castro. Sure, this Castro might look different; he might hold a more liberal stance on immigration or have voted against Fidel's tax cuts for the rich, but we all know that a Castro is a Castro.

Fidel Castro, the real danger, began politics as a young idealist running for head of state to displace an unpopular leader whose choices are dictated largely by corporate interests, Fidel Castro promised lots of change...right before becoming a bearded communist dictator.


McCain: Today's resignation of Fidel Castro is half an Iraq overdue. Now the Cuban people have a chance to start their transition to democracy. And I mean now. My watch is running.

Having lived with communists for several years during the Vietnam War, I consider myself best prepared to handle negotiations with Raul Castro. If anyone knows how to trick a commie, it's me.

Hopefully, my diplomacy with Cuba will show that I am willing to ally with fascists and communists to fight our current threat of Jihadists. I consider this a progressive step away from the barbarous realism of allying with Jihadists and fascists to fight communists.

Huckabee: The Cuban people deserve nothing less than free and fair elections, unless they try and get one here. Then they deserve a swift-boat right back to the Cuban mainland.

Cuba has been antagonizing America for years ever since Castro captured a group of coastal-dwelling pigs sent by America in order to pay for Guantanamo Bay Prison. But this chapter in history is almost closed.

Until Fidel Castro is dead, there can be no significant movement towards reform. It just goes to show that the best way to change a form of government is to kill off the leader and pray Cubans see the light while we financially and politically ostracize and bankrupt their country. Nothing spurs democracy quite like wide-spread poverty and misery which is easily framed to appear to be caused by the economic and political derision of the world's epitome of democracy.