Since our current UN is ineffective, I propose assembling a mock UN to solve the world's most pressing issues. I will be Canada, because everyone likes me but no one wants to take the time to actually get to know me. (I have nice "mountains" and "lakes," but you don't care, do you Brazil? You just want to "explore" Jamaica. Fine.)

You, the reader, are the United States. Right now you have a big mortgage/gas price/economy headache and are suffering from an identity crisis: you aren't sure if you're more of a black man who's half-white, or a white man who's all old.

Your mom is Iraq, and she looks lovely and tan even though part of her face is blown off. Now, U.S. and Iraq, we need you two to work things out. I know that mothers and children argue sometimes, and that sometimes when they argue, 655,000 people die. Okay. Fine. Here at the mock UN, we understand, but now it's time to bury the hatchet--or improvised explosive, or truck bomb, or whatever it is you're using-- because deep down you both love each other very much. Remember when you bonded over Iran? I know it's harder now, ever since Mom ditched her Kurdish boyfriend and married that Iranian dick, but try to once again find that common ground.

And U.S., I hate to say it, but you are suffering from "return to the womb" syndrome. You're an adult. You can't run back to your mom and hide away inside her forever. Time to pull out. Now you two go, take a long walk near the old family home in Kirkuk or Kennebunkport or wherever, and come up with a solution.

As for the rest of you...no one goes to the bathroom until we figure out how to get rid of Mugabe. Colombia: can we send him to FARC?