Dear Academy Award-nominated screenwriter (and former Hot Topic employee) Diablo Cody,

First off, congrats on the enormous success of Juno! Your film is well on its way to becoming the highest-grossing indie since My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Pretty soon your name will be whispered in the same breath as Nia Vardalos. Welcome to the big leagues, baby!

However, I must call "shenanigans" on you, Diablo. (I can't stop quoting your dialogue! Seriously, I think it might be a medical condition.) You, along with many others, have said that there wouldn't have been much of a film if Juno had decided to go through with an abortion. Honest to blog (again, I'm worried it's a tumor), have you even seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High?? Jennifer Jason Leigh had like three abortions in that movie, and it didn't make Spicoli any less quotable or Phoebe Cates any less masturbate-able.

Therefore, I offer you a list of ways in which Juno would've been improved if you had allowed your titular character to get an abortion within the first twenty minutes.

• No baby means more time with the film's real star--Juno's hamburger phone. So many unanswered questions! Where did Juno get the hamburger phone? Who else does she call on it? Are the numbers on the phone also hamburger-shaped, or do they represent other fast food items? Is the phone's reception actually as poor as Juno makes it out to be, or was she just being smug when she told the person on the other end to speak up? As it stands, the scant few minutes we spend with the hamburger phone are but a mere tease.
• A new best friend for Juno: the sassy abortion clinic receptionist. Sure, we know her boyfriend's junk smells like blueberry pie. But what other odors does she enjoy? Imagine the witty banter that Juno and the receptionist could've engaged in about their various olfactory-related interests. Plus, after Juno terminates her pregnancy, the new "besties" could fill up the free flavored condoms with water and hurl them at pro-life demonstrators. Now that's some wholesome fun for the whole family!
• Juno's investigation into the origin of her peculiar name could result in the discovery that she is actually the long-lost heir to the Juno Internet service provider fortune. Unfortunately, due to her namesake's low monthly service charge (only $9.95 per month for Web surfing, e-mail, and more) the fortune would actually turn out to be pretty meager.
• Paulie (Michael Cera) would've had more time to focus on his track meets. Viewers would be on the edge of their seats for the movie's climax, as Juno cheers Paulie to a win in the 200 meter intramural relay race division. (Seriously, Diablo, there hasn't been a good track and field flick in years. Personal Best is like twenty-five years old!)
• Finally, if Juno had gotten an abortion then Juno wouldn't have set back the pro-choice movement by about a decade. Also, she would've had time to clean off the sex chair. Seriously, I feel sorry for the next person who sits on that chair.