Hey, guys! We've had a lot of fun the past few weeks with a certain governor! Am I right? But did you know there are also real news stories happening right now that effect you more than the desperate fame grab of a semi-talented hooker? But those stories can be just as fun and sexy too! Here we go!

General Motors is Road Testing Pollution-Free Hydrogen SUVs

Uh-oh! We know where this gem is going! Without the sounds of an internal combustion engine giving their limousines away, it looks like secret trysts between politicians and women or men of varying social stature will be a whole lot easier! Am I right? High-five!

The Postal Service is Arguing Against "Do Not Mail" Registries

Oops! Looks like the Post Office makes a lot of money off junk mail. Just like these Emperor's Club hookers are making a lot of money off some junk males! Oh boy! I wish my first wife could see how good that zinger was! Up top! Too bad she's dead!

The Hubble Telescope Found Organic Gas on an Extrasolar Planet

LOL! I don't know whether or not this distant planet has life or not but, you know what they say, where there's organic gas, there's butt sex! Like the kind that happens between two willing adults whose relationship is illegal within the confines of puritanical laws and juvenile social standards! I mean, her tushie went "waaaa!" I never talk to my father! Give me some skin!

Over 150 People Have Been Arrested in San Francisco Anti-War Protests

I've got nothing to say for this! We're falling apart as a country! I hope a celebrity does something I've done before but in a public forum so I can mock them with sassy one-liners and not have to look into the bleak reflection of our country's social mirror! Don't leave me hanging, bro!

Human Rights Groups are Slamming the European Union Over Tibet

Where's the gun? You can give it to me! I'm not going to hurt anybody! I just want to look at it! I just want to hold and feel the comfort of its potential cold release! I have a Master's Degree in Journalism! Did you know that? I do! I won an award for best investigative reporting when I was at Columbia because I found out a city councilman was taking bribes to ignore corporate pollution! I don't do that anymore! I wish I did! I've become everything I mocked! The only release is the abyss! I'm coming home to give dap to my boy Jesus!