Curious new findings from the Phoenix Lander:
mysterious white stuff (!) has been discovered just beneath Mars' dusty red surface.

Scientists are weighing in--could be salt, say some. Could be ice, say others. Could be BORING, I say!

Ice? Salt? Clearly, our nation's scientists are lacking in imagination. This is Outer Space, people. It could be ANYTHING. Here, then, some additional hypotheses on The White Stuff From Mars:

Theory #1: Lindsay Lohan has a summer place on Mars.

The rich and famous have plenty of secret hideaways we don't know about--and the means to get to some remote vacation spots.

What better place than Mars to escape the paparazzi and enjoy a private party with your DJ girlfriends?

Theory #2: Mars is made of delicious tartar sauce.

If the moon can be made of cheese (prove it isn't, naysayers), then who's to say Mars isn't made of tartar sauce?

Grab your fishsticks, Mrs. Paul! We're renting a rocket to deliciousness!

Theory #3: Mars is home to a colony of Giant Space Mimes.

Detested throughout the galaxy, the Giant Space Mimes of Mars hide just below the surface to escape cosmic ridicule and scorn.

And now that we've found them, we can learn to better understand them before we kill them.