Important news today from the Vatican's chief astronomer (raise your hand if you knew the Vatican had a chief astronomer):

Aliens are most probably, could be sort of true!

"How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?" says Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, from his perch at spooky Vatican Observatory. "Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'?"

This makes a certain amount of sense when you consider the similarities between the Catholic Church's Jesus and Steven Spielberg's E.T.

Jesus - Popular character with supernatural powers, believed in by many as a matter of faith since His omnipotence can be neither proven nor disproved.

E.T. - Popular character with supernatural powers, believed in by many as his omnipresence on cable television convinces us He may live forever on the TBS Superstation.

As the Catholic Church dwindles in numbers--both among its members and its clergy--it would do well to pair Jesus with other "could be real!" characters. The exposure couldn't hurt.

JESUS AS THE TOOTH FAIRY

The Vatican Observatory can't rule out the reality of the Tooth Fairy. So as part of Catholic youth outreach, why not send Jesus on a coins-for-teeth exchange program?

JESUS AND THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

Like aliens, Nessie has been sighted by thousands of true believers. Imagine the spectators at Sea World if the Church could arrange a Loch Ness Monster/Prince of Peace Saltwater Spectacular!

JESUS AND THE LEPRECHAUNS

The Irish are one of the few Catholic strongholds left. So why not win favor with the faithful by pairing Jesus with Lucky, the cereal-selling leprechaun? Lucky gives Him fun; Jesus gives Lucky class. It's a win-win.