• The New Orleans Aquarium was denied FEMA funding this week. A spokesman for FEMA stated that New Orleans does not need an aquarium because it is an aquarium, and FEMA will be there to help make sure it stays that way.
• A 10-year-old boy who admitted starting a 38,000-acre fire last month in Los Angeles will not be charged because he was simply "playing with matches" and did not intend to start a large fire. A leaked memo from the White House states that President Bush plans to use a similar defense if he is ever impeached, because he did not mean to cause the death and destruction in Iraq, he was only "playing with the Middle East."
• Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Congressional approval for Bush's $50 billion in war funding will be linked to the gradual withdrawal of the troops from Iraq. Coincidentally, Reid's statement is linked to the gradual withdrawal of the Democrats' balls from a jar on the President's desk.
• A congressional report looked at the hidden costs of the war in Iraq and came to the conclusion that it has cost $20,900 per U.S. family. The report also found that half of that money has gone directly to security for John McCain and Joe Leiberman during their trips to show how safe Iraq is.
• Amsterdam authorities announced that the chestnut tree Anne Frank spoke about in her diary will be cut down in the coming weeks. Activists have wrapped a yellow ribbon around the base of the tree to indicate it's a Jew.
• A study released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center says Black people are more pessimistic about the future than they've been since the 1980s. However the study is being refuted by some who say Blacks are simply pessimistic because they're poor. Rudy Giuliani stated, "If they were rich, they would see that things in this country are just peachy." After lighting a Cuban cigar with a $300 bills, Mitt Romney said he agreed. (Romney had the U.S. treasury print $300 bills exclusively for him to light cigars.)