All the good ad-space is gone. Buildings, signs, store fronts, the tops of taxis, the sides of buses--all taken. So I've got a brilliant answer. One major ad space in every big city has not been utilized. It's a blank canvas located in every big city--homeless people. Now, some might say, "Great idea! Paint the homeless!" But that wouldn't work. They don't hold still long enough. Instead, I'm saying that the big name companies and corporations should sponsor homeless people. I say pay them to wear a sign. Pay them the same as buying a giant billboard in a major city--maybe ten grand per month.

It's the perfect advertising opportunity. First of all, homeless people are all over major cities. They're out on the streets; they're lying on park benches; they're walking through subway cars all day long banging on buckets and calling it music. The average New Yorker sees at least fifteen homeless people per day. If every one of those hobos were wearing a jacket that said "Sunsetter Retractable Awnings," you would go home utterly convinced that a life without awnings is not a life worth living. Furthermore, homeless people are ad space that cannot be ignored. Most Americans have become immune to commercials. We're each exposed to upwards of 5,000 advertisements a day, and very few of them do we consciously think about. But homeless people ads can't be so easily disregarded. Would you be able to ignore an ad that was pissing on your foot? How about if it was showering in a water fountain? How about if it was pantsless and angrily accusing you of "fucking that rackish flog the heaven chicken shit?" Now THAT is an advertisement you have no choice but to mentally assess. If that man has on a tee-shirt for Dewar's liquor, then you have no choice but to think, "Wow, Dewar's equals fun! ...and less pants."

And it isn't just their backs and chests that could act as great ad space. Home Depot could pay to make sure they only sleep on top of Home Depot boxes. Starbucks could pay to make sure they use Starbucks cups for begging. Mountain Dew could pay to ensure that the street goers only drink Mountain Dew, never water or juice, or other liquids that could actually help them survive rather than make them diabetic. The advertising opportunities are unlimited!

So the point is that through my plan the homeless people would become rich and unfettered capitalism would have solved yet another of life's ugly problems. Of course if any of those newly-rich vagabonds tried to use their money to buy a house, we would kick them off the program. We can't have them buying houses or everything will be disrupted. Who would we look down upon? There aren't enough immigrants.