Clearly the racists and closet racists amongst my people (white America) seem to be getting a little twitchy about the possibility of a black president. Well, as a card-carrying racist myself, I don't share those concerns. I'm more worried about Mitt Romney because what color is he? Orange?? What if he's an Orange Supremacist? And then there's John McCain who appears to be translucent. Sometimes when he gets excited you can see his inner organs, and to be honest, at press conferences his ticker looks a little dodgy.

No, I'm not really a card-carrying racist. I tried to join several years ago, but it turns out you have to hate a race that is not your own. I tried to explain to them that I really can't stand white people, at least not the white men who have ruled this country for the past...ever. Anyway, I think I've come up with a solution for all the white people who are scared of a black president. How about African Americans give some concessions to ease the transfer of power. How about black people give golf and tennis back to the rich white people in exchange for the presidency? I mean, racist white people loooooove their elitist sports and you black people have grabbed two of the biggest ones away from them. I'm amazed you did it. The Williams sisters learned to play on public courts in Compton for God's sake! That's not even fair.

So let's see. White people relinquish the presidency. Black people relinquish golf and tennis. White people get to keep the police department. Black people get to keep the moral high ground as well as most of the best musicians and comedians. And lastly, rich white guys get to keep Clarence Thomas and Alan Keyes (who is arguably one of the best comedians).

Sound like a fair deal? If I can just get a few signatures, we can call up the Clintons and tell them they lost so Bill can stop pantsing Obama supporters as they walk into the caucuses. I mean, Bill's had his own heart trouble. He's in no condition to be tackling half the electorate.