'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the House,
Not a creature was stirring
Because they're all on vacation
Leaving hate crimes bills on their desks while they head to
the beaches and slopes where they'll dream of the
sugarplum fairies...who run their PAC committees.

And I am off to honor the birth of Jesus Christ...I'm going to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. Mind you, I weigh 210 lbs, so here's hoping Santa has a good HMO. (Alternate joke: I'm off to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. He'll say, "What do you want for Christmas, little boy?" And I'll wriggle around a bit and say, "Keep talkin', fat man; I'm getting' it!)

First, let me point out that it takes a lot of chutzpah for me to ask Santa for anything. I'm Jewish. But like a kid who goes to the drug store to buy condoms, I'll pad my order with requests for others and might just wind up getting what I wish for. I'm going to give Santa Christmas wishes for OTHER people. People like:

Condoleeza Rice. She could use some holiday help. I hope Santa gives her something she needs even more desperately than the ability to recognize the difference between a presidential briefing and the brunch menu at a restricted country club--for Christmas I hope she gets a girlfriend. (Not an Oprah-Gayle kind of girlfriend, but a Rosie-Kellie kind of girlfriend).

To President Bush: A gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. I'd like to think that the president has finally finished reading My Pet Goat, and is ready to tackle other books. My suggestion: The Koran. (He can read it while on his ranch in Crawford. He can fit in his reading between smirks, brush clearings and ignoring Cindy Sheehan.)

Anderson Cooper: A new, improved natural disaster on which he can pick up his ratings. Nothing says ka-ching like Anderson in a tight tee, reporting live atop a sea of festering rubble. Maybe a volcanic eruption, or a colossal shift in tectonic plates ... or a humongous tidal wave that only washes away evangelical churches that preach floods happen because Jesus hates homos.

I wish Hillary Clinton whatever she wants. Or whatever she thinks she wants. Or whatever her handlers tell her they think we think she wants.

For Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney--my Christmas wish is that they find jobs as priests--because that appears to be the job that they're running for.

To Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Michael Savage and Bill O'Reilly--an all expense paid, all-white, all-male rock event called "Dumbfest."

For Ryan Seacrest--I wish him a girlfriend, too. A girlfriend with a penis.

I hope that Santa gives Dick Cheney a heart strong enough to last another day...giving the vvep at least one more chance to kick puppies and burn down orphanages.

To Harry Reid--I wish that one of the illegal immigrants sneaking across the Mexican border into Nevada brings him a sack of cajones he can put in his pockets the next time he has to stand up to the White House.

I wish Britney Spears one more DUI court appearance...where charges will be dropped when it is discovered that she ran over & crushed 300 paparazzi.

To all of my new right-wing neighbors in Orange County, California who are sure that "the surge" in Iraq is working--I wish their children safe travels as we ship them--and only them--off to Baghdad to join the president's war of choice.

To Hannah Montana-Myley Cyrus (whatever the fuck her real name is) I wish her a happy, healthy celebreteen adolescence. And I hope that she and her rehab roommates, Lindsay and Nicole, become really good friends, and wind up ONLY getting busted TOGETHER!

To Barry Bonds & Roger Clemens I wish vials upon vials of whatever non-steroidal, non-human-growth, totally 100% holistic elixirs they took, which enabled them to gain 60 lbs of muscle in their faces and heads well into their forties.

And finally, my request to Santa--other than thirty minutes in a hot tub with Matt Damon--IS TO REALLY have peace on earth among men. And to that end, I wish Osama bin Laden a weekend at an all-you-can-eat buffet, with my Aunt Miriam. A couple of days with her, near food...he'll kill himself.

And to all, a "good night."