Well, once again the pussies, wussies and wimps who masquerade as congressional Democrats caved in and gave President Bush MORE unbridled powers for him to abuse. I believe the Crawford Crackpot has now been granted permission to wiretap--without a warrant--any American citizen who has ever used the word "the" in a sentence. George W. Bush now has more powers than Wonder Woman. The good news is--and yes, there IS good news--that all of these powers will be transferred to the next president, once Dumbellina goes back to Texas.

And let's say that our next president isn't Hillary or Barack or McCain or Jesus, I mean, Mike...let's say it's...ME! And I inherit all of these presidential powers. What would I do with them? Well, ask no more, mes amis. After carefully consulting with my staff (my friend, Brian), I would, in my first 100 minutes in office:

• Deport Simon Cowell. I'm tired of watching this pissy, British prig crap on semi-retarded American teenagers. It's enough, already. Buh-bye.
• Have Mike Huckabee's dorsal fin surgically removed.
• Fire members of the Supreme Court--let's say, Roberts, Alito, Scalia, and Uncle Thomas. (On what grounds, you ask? I could say either incompetence or bias or both...but remember, Congress gave me powers--I don't need a reason.)
• Shut down Guantanamo Bay, and relocate all of the angry, uncharged detainees to Alberto Gonzales' neighborhood.
• Have Brian MacNamee inject Roger Clemens in the ass with Barry Bonds' dick.
• Authorize the surgeon general to remove the lips and tongue of anyone and everyone who mispronounces the word, "ASK."
• Order the Army Corps of Engineers to saw off the state of Florida, and float it out to sea.
• Have Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and Ann Coulter hauled off and arrested for hate speech.
• Ban the use of the words "entertainment" and "news" in the same sentence.
• Reinstate the Fairness Doctrine.
• Make all pro-lifers adopt at least one child from an inner-city orphanage.
• Make lily-white, homophobe Mitt Romney join the Alvin Ailey Dance Company and have him routinely punch-fucked by ultra-faggy male dancers.
• Make all churches pay taxes. HIGH taxes.
• Limit the number of Starbucks, GAPs & McDonald's per square mile to 37.
• Create a moratorium on celebrities getting gigantic, super-white, dental veneers.
• Have the 300 working WGA writers--those well-to-do 300 who get all of the work all of the time--dip into THEIR pockets and give money to the 10,000 non-working writers on whose behalf they were supposedly striking.
• Make a rule that any network televising the Grammy Awards must provide English subtitles.
• Put to death anyone who uses the words "chocolate" and "decadent" in the same sentence.
• Ban dog fighting...except when one of the dogs is really vicious and the other dog is Karl Rove.
• Carbon-date John McCain.
• Appoint Walter Cronkite head of the FCC--and let him fire all journalists who don't do their jobs properly.
• Award the Congressional Medal of Freedom to Helen Thomas, for being the only working journalist in The United States.
• Shut down Fox News for committing fraud by claiming they are "fair and balanced."
• Rewrite and implement the "Defense of Marriage Act," to deny marital rights to anyone who has ever eaten shellfish (which, according to The Bible, is an abomination of equal value to man-lying-with-man-as-he-does-with-woman).
• Begin withdrawing troops from Iraq and redeploy them to the front of the Republican National Committee headquarters where they will protect and defend the Constitution from enemy attack.
• Use FISA's lack of rules to live-feed eavesdropping on right-wing self-loathers, and have every citizen log on to You Tube and listen to Condi (& Whitney?) while they do some Sapphic canoodling over the phone.
• Waterboard Larry Craig until he becomes the human Rosetta Stone for gay sex code, finally decoding all that confusing foot tapping and hand swiping in public restrooms. I am here, I am queer, I am used to it and I STILL don't understand Gaymerican Sign Language.
• Instead of a White House wedding, Jenna Bush's wedding party and all invited guests will be detained as style and taste combatants at Guantanamo Bay. The bride is forced to wear the black hood and sheet the Abu Ghraib prisoners made fashionable, and Jenna's only accessories are those car battery/jumper cable hookups. Our Pentagon wedding planners will maintain they were "just for show."
• Build a wall around Crawford, Texas to prevent the Bush family from getting into the United States.
• Have lunch. At the taxpayers' expense.