This week I snuck into the Republican debate in South Carolina. Now while this is something I would not normally do--anything up to and including water boarding is probably a lot more fun--I was intrigued by all of the picketers, protesting John McCain in front of the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce and Gun Club where the event was being held. They were protesting McCain's 2000 statement that the confederate flag should not be flown over the state house because it is racially insensitive and intentionally harms a specific group of the people. Eight years later, and they're STILL pissed. WOW! Talking about not letting God and letting go. I knew that this was something I had to see for myself. And although I just reek of democrat, I was able to quickly put together a republican disguise -an ensemble of pink wool suit, lace top and sensible shoes. Very Pat Nixon.

The cameras weren't rolling, all the time. But the NSA-approved recording device I had hidden in my cloth purse, was:

McCain: I really don't think it's a good idea to fly the confederate
Flag.

Giuliani: You hate America.

McCain: No I don't. In fact, I spent five years in the Hanoi Hilton being tortured for the love of my country.

Giuliani: You don't know what torture is. Ever been married to Donna Hanover?

McCain: Don't ever say that I don't love America. I love it so much that when I become president I'm going to send every man, woman and child in America, to Iraq!

Romney: How's my hair? Still stiff and shiny?

Huckabee: Like your face.

Giuliani: Me-ow!

Thompson: Don't say "shiny." McCain will accuse you of being racially insensitive.

(Applause break)

McCain: Don't mock me. We're republicans - we're supposed to be the big tent.

Huckabee: A revival tent, right? NOT a circus tent ... 'cause if it's a circus tent then there'll be cotton candy and I'll eat it and gain back all the weigh I lost, just in time to be considered a legitimate candidate even though I don't believe in science and don't know jack-shit about foreign policy. But if it's a revival tent, then it'll just be me Jesus, and a bunch of friends who don't read books but have lots and lots of cash.

Giuliani: We are the big tent ... and inside our tent are lots of Americans in it who don't like black people.

Romney: I'm still smiling, right?

Thompson: I like colored people.

McCain: Fred, they're not colored; they're black.

Thompson: Last time I checked, black was a color.

Huckabee: I believe they like to be called, African Americans.

Thompson: yeah? And I like to be called, "Emmy Award winner," but that ain't gonna' happen, either. And by the way - exactly where in Africa are these people from? I'm from Hollywood. Does that make me a Hollywood-American?

Huckabee: No, that makes you an asshole.

Giuliani: No you didn't.

Thompson: I sort of resent that. I like Negroes. In fact, I worked with one on "Law & Order" -- S. Epatha Merkerson. - Although I'm not sure what kind of a name "S" is. Must be a Negro thing.

Huckabee: You rarely had any scenes with her.

Thompson: Thank God.

Huckabee: You're welcome.

(Applause & huzzahs from audience)

Romney: My magic underpants are tingling. Must be the Lord. (pause) Or not.

Giuliani: 9/11

Thompson: What the hell kind of a name is "Mitt?"

Huckabee: It's a biblical name. It means, "Crazy fuck thinks we think his cult is some kind of a religion."

Romney: Don't make fun of my religion. I love Christ. Christ. Christ. Christ. Christ!

Huckabee: Jesusjesusjesusjesusjesus. And, the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Giuliani: Hey, Mike - she wasn't a virgin. I was married to her. I think. - Or was that that florist from P-Town who liked to be called Mary? I forget. - Anyway, 9/11!!!!

McCain: With all due respect gentlemen, you do realize that Jesus was probably not white? He was from Bethlehem ... in the Middle East. He was probably dark.

(Big silent pause)

Huckabee: Miles Davis dark?

Giuliani: Whitney Houston dark?

Thompson: Or Mexican dark? - You know, I'm going to wall those motherfuckers out!

Huckabee: Amen.

McCain: Maybe ... Barack Obama dark.

Thompson: So you're saying, Jesus was colored ... I'm sorry - NEGRO.

McCain: Not Negro, Fred. Black.

Romney: I dye my hair black. How does it look? Still stiff and shiny? -- I love blacks. I still own seven or eight of 'em.

Ron Paul: ENOUGH ALREADY! "I'm a bigger racist..." No. I'M a bigger racist!!" -- What in the name of Dwight Eisenhower is wrong with you people???? Aren't there any Republicans in the house at all? - You now, republicans - Like Abraham Lincoln? People who want to make the lives of all Americans better by getting off of their backs, out of their bedrooms and wallets, and letting them live their lives? .... If this kind of crap keeps going on, I'm going to have to leave this tent and go to a bigger tent. You know, the one where Hillary, and Obama live. Gees!

At this point I stood up and began applauding and cheering. I didn't care that my pretty wool skirt was wrinkled or that there was a run in my triple-ply nylon stockings. And as I cheered, EVERYONE in the audience turned and stared at me. 500 pairs of angry eyes glowered at me from underneath their hoods. I was scared, but defiant. I clapped for another thirty seconds, flipped my Mamie bangs, turned on my comfortable, boxed heels, and walked out. Walked out of The South Carolina debate and back into reality.