I think I speak for all of America when I say that we all learned a lot during last night's debates. But here are the five most important things I took away from listening to the colorful, diverse group of old white (almost dead) men.

1. Grover Norquist is TOTALLY rocking a Hitler mustache.

2. Ron Paul and Duncan Hunter share one set of eyebrows.

Duncan Hunter's eyebrows start close to the nose, go up and never come down. Ron Paul's eyebrows finish the job, starting in the middle of the brow bone, going outwards and downwards. If you put them together, they make a full set. Does that mean they'd make a good presidential set? Is this a sign, a foreshadowing of a Paul-Hunter ticket?

3. Giuliani perpetuates Italian-on-Italian crime.

Out of the dozens of (three) black people seen during the debates, two of them asked what the Republicans would do about Black-on-Black crime. Mitt Romney's answer was, more or less, too bad black people don't get married so they would stop committing so many crimes. But when Giuliani, unwittingly, perhaps, bragged, "I prosecuted Sicilian Mafia members, never done before in an American court," the mayor of 9/11 brought to light another inter-ethnic genocide, which receives even less attention than Black-on-Black crime: Italian-on-Italian crime.

4. Keep the government out of space travel.

When asked if he would support investing in space exploration and going to Mars, Huckabee said, "Whether we ought to go to Mars is not a decision that I would want to make." In other words, for Huckabee, space travel is a states' rights issue.

5. Mitt Romney is bi-curious.

The governor of the shameful state of Massachusetts has a tortured, love-hate, bi-curious relationship with immigrants. Even though Mitt Romney thinks people from other counties are "aliens," he keeps a few aliens around his house only because he feels bad for them because they "look different" and their "accents sound funny."