Conservative pundits and Fox News have done a wonderful job pointing out the left's dangerous support of the radical GayAgenda© and the willful spread of "San Francisco values."

But now, we as citizens face something far more insidious. As the 2008 presidential primaries approach, Americans are confronted with a momentous decision. Will they vote for a devout Mormon as leader of the free world?

Mitt Romney is a committed Latter-Day Saint who has long embraced "Salt Lake City values," a set of core beliefs that represent a radical departure from mainstream America.

What does that mean for you, the folks? Well, for starters:

• Mormons don't believe in the consumption of alcohol. That's right, Bubba. Pour that Budweiser down the drain. And that after-dinner sherry you were hoping to enjoy with Aunt Martha this Christmas Eve? Might as well be Satan's pee-pee.

• Mormonism forbids the consumption of hot drinks. That's right, folks. Tea and teabagging are pretty much the same thing in Mitt Romney's eyes.

• For many Latter-Day Saints, the restriction on tea and coffee extends to caffeine use of any kind. Drop the Diet Coke, Natalie. We just elected a friggin' Mormon.

• And in case you're super bored or stressed out by Mitt Romney's forced clean-living regime and want to spend a quiet evening alone masturbating to Dana Perino or Mike Huckabee, well, think again. According to an anti-masturbation guide written by an LDS elder, you should do just about anything else, including singing inspirational hymns, overeating, peeing and showering in plain view of others, tying your hand to your bedpost, paying yourself not to masturbate, imagining yourself eating worms while you masturbate, covering your boner with a Book of Mormon, breaking all ties with your masturbating friends, and carrying a calendar around in your pocket that keeps track of the days when you've whacked off.

Most troubling, of course, is Mormons' view of marriage. They love it! But not the way you love it. While "San Francisco values" envision a country where two consenting adults can share their lives in committed devotion, "Salt Lake City values" don't believe in such old-fashioned notions. For much of their history, Mormons participated in plural marriages, a practice that many still embrace. Young girls are often married off to repugnant old men who use them for their own sexual gratification. We don't think America wants this sort of change in the definition of marriage. And we don't believe the folks in North Dakota are ready to have communal leaders snatch up their prepubescent daughters and take them away to live as subservient sex slaves. Not in our America, anyway.

You see, most Americans love this country and don't want radical change. This is a country of liberal ideals. We love that blacks and whites can live side by side, just as George and Weezie Jefferson lived across the hall from Mr. Bentley. We adore our gay friends, as Grace adored Will. And we believe in a woman's right to choose, like Maude had to choose.

We love that our women can wear hot little miniskirts and low-rider jeans to show off their tramp stamps. We don't want the 2009 Victoria's Secret catalog to be filled with unkempt hausfraus in prairie skirts and long, braided hair.

Now, is this Mitt Romney's vision for our country? Who can say? But can we afford to take that chance? Do Mom and Pop America really want to risk living in a nation ruled not from Washington, D.C., but from Salt Lake City, Utah?

Dr. James Dobson released a statement yesterday praising Mitt Romney, despite his involvement in the dangerous Mormon cult that threatens our very lifestyle. And while Dobson doesn't seem to mind endorsing a candidate whom most of his congregation believes is going to hell, we'd prefer a president who represents the folks, thank you very much.

You're going to see a lot of conservatives making excuses for Mitt Romney, talking about the need for religious tolerance. Don't buy it. While people like Bill O'Reilly might tell you that Mitt Romney is just like you and me, he's lying. For a Mormon will have no better chance of receiving the kingdom of heaven than L. Ron Hubbard or a conservative pundit who cheats on his wife while she's home pregnant with their son Spencer.

Mitt Romney was right yesterday when he said, "Almost 50 years ago, another candidate from Massachusetts explained that he was an American running for president, not a Catholic running for president." Then again, John F. Kennedy didn't believe that God came down to earth and physically had sex with Mary. Mitt Romney probably does.