Dear Mr. President,

We sincerely appreciate your efforts to stimulate the economy by showering the unwashed masses with tens of dollars. It's a bold move that will no doubt buoy consumer confidence during this rough patch, spurring reluctant buyers to put down payments on all those inexplicably empty $445,000 California palatial estates, and will immediately put us on the path toward outgrowing our debt and deficit.

But with all due respect, we'd prefer to receive payment in something that could conceivably go up in value. No dollars, please. We'd prefer Euros or Argentine Pesos, but if that's a little too awkward, any of the following will do nicely:

• Pets.com stock (1 bazillion shares)
• Chuck E. Cheese whack-a-mole and skee-ball tickets
• One '70s-era "Wheel of Fortune" porcelain Dalmatian
• KISS Army military scrip
• Rare "misprinted" Denver Mint $5 bill with a tiny picture of Dick Cheney sitting in the chair at the Lincoln Memorial
• Listen-Up Personal Sound Amplifiers
• Official Moira Kelly Trading Cards(TM)
• Church of Scientology gift certificates
• Calgon. That way you support America and screw the Chinese by giving away their ancient secrets.
• World Trade Center commemorative coins with standing sculpture
• McRibs